Though he slay me………

I will continue to have hope in The Lord-Job-

I wonder was this a man with absolute understanding and deep in revelation of God and his ways?
Was it his faithfulness that let him utter out such statements even in the midst of trouble?

See here is my problem with this situation,for a man a mere mortal to be in such a position and still hope I can only speculate about the amount of Gods grace that surrounded him otherwise how else? How else would he get through something like this?
So I know we need the grace.

Here comes the challenge like peter went fishing after Christ had died,most of us return to what is familiar to us which most stems from our past.
Trouble then becomes that doesn’t work and at times most of our old ways are sinful.
Further then sin in its nature only serves to unravel our lives and we pay for the consequences in our natural lives for how can we do bad and not reap bad?

Hope
For faith is the substance/material of things hoped for,evidence of what we cannot see.
Faith without works (corresponding action)is dead according to scripture.
For us to achieve victory we need Gods direction which will only stem from a word of God spoken over our lives.

So then what does one do when all you have been hoping for is falling apart?

All I can say is ……..

Though he slay me …….

Posted in God

Lord help me…help me …help myself for I have a hardened heart

For they considered not the miracle of the loaves: for their heart was hardened-mark 6 v 52-

Often I have wondered how people who walked and witnessed the wonders and miracles performed by Jesus Christ would still be amazed at how he could still walk on water after just feeding 5000 men (excluding women and children),among healing the sick,the blind and water into wine thingy.

Little did I know I was about to get my answer in the most painful way and have to live it.
I like Israelites and Peter boasted.One of them proclaimed “whatever u command us to do we shall do and the other said “I will never leave u Lord never forsake you,oh no…not moi”
The first led to the law of Moses being introduced at Mt Sinai and 3000 of them died the latter denied knowing him 3 times..Did they “eat” their words.
Fast forward 2000 years + later and am eating mine.

See am having a Jerry Maguire moment right now but instead of shouting the infamous “show me the money ” am shouting the rather not so famous “help me…help you” but I recognise God doesnot need or require my help to help me neither do I posses any help within myself to help myself so am crying

“Lord help me ….help me help myself for I recognise I have a hardened heart”

Now see times were when I would simply say the devil made me do it,or it’s warfare or it’s the will or rather not the will,little did I know the heart was richly responsible.

A hardened heart is :-
i)insensitive (ii)cold (iii)unfeeling (iv)unyielding
Symptoms of a hardened heart
Inability to understand,perceive,see,hear,think and assess situations and circumstances clearly.
One has become somewhat dull to the senses both spiritual and sensual.

Now am in trouble for the senses that connect me to the world both spiritual and sensual are not working and can’t be trusted.

See I can “feel” by touch,taste,smell and sight.But watch this now even the “sight” am warned not to walk by it,but rather walk by faith.This then leaves me with hearing.For faith Cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.

But hear me now am dulled because my heart is hardened I cannot “hear” and now more than ever I need to hear a word from God (himself) and not just the word of God from someone.

They didnot even consider the miracle of the loaves for their hearts had become hardened….all this time seeking and walking with Christ then this happens …..desciples I feel you now.

This is painful for I am lost,blind,deaf and my mind is numb,even worst my spirit is equally troubled.

Lord…help me ….help me help myself for my heart is hardened.

Goodbye my lover am bored……. Hello devil am back!

“So whatever happened to you?”
“Life. Life happened
.”-David Nicholls-

Today marks the 6th month that I first wrote my first very post on WordPress and time does fly.Its been a somewhat interesting journey with emotions to reflect.
As much changes much remains the same,to be very honest am I such a different person to the one that put the ink to paper or fingers to keyboard as it were? Truthfully I don’t know.
Have I grown a little bit,yes absolutely,In experience yes,am I better for it?Well…..hmmm.

Now then if I have learnt anything is that the high of chasing the old stuff(which for reference I’d call the devil) just ain’t there anymore or at least is not quiet as exiciting,and my new lover (the new positive stuff I ve come to like and aspire to,,….)is or has just become rather boring,to put it simply.

So it’s a case of goodbye my lover am bored…….hello devil,am back or is it?

See the trouble is such that,one is caught in between steps where the old doesn’t cut it anymore and the new has already begun to get too familiar and it’s loosing it’s taste and it’s becoming all too regular and regular stopped cutting it ages ago.
So am stuck here looking for ways to “feel alive again coz I feel numb”
Days were I could simply find amusement in my own company and engross myself with a good book,or countless hours on the old playstation,take a little trip around but that has lost it’s appeal too.

Even more dangerous is the fact of finding everyone else around me uninteresting,boring,just not interested and am not very good company myself,for which am well aware for I feel irritable.

Is this what life and growing up really means?
Have I become old and grumpy,coz I feel like it now.
Am I becoming that guy who sits on the corner alone with his coffee and tablet/newspaper coz no one can stand him as equally as he can’t stand everyone else?

It’s a nice sunny evening,normally it would be time for a trip up north as Friday tradition would have it but on this occasion it won’t be happening,stuck between steps,am neither this nor that as is the case or as isn’t the case…..

Goodbye my lover am bored…….hello devil am back

Hero or villain? is it fate or destiny?

Take the blue pill and wake up believing whatever you are still believing or take the red pill and I ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes -Morpheus-The Matrix.

Whenever I have a moment of “non-event” in my life I tend to do a lot of reflection and thinking.This a time when life just sort of runs smoothly and everything is tranquil.Curious then that I should be ecstatic but I find that I am not.It would seem am versed for either extreme terbulance in my life,either too peaceful,happy and content or troubled,corncerned or planning an exist strategy for a problem I don’t have yet.
The trouble of being a driven person is such that once you have achieved or are on the path to achieving that which you have planned to and are seeing your goals manifest,the passion and all that energy doesn’t just disappear.Its got to go somewhere.

Energy cannot be created or lost,it can simply be transferred from one form to another - Albert Einstien -

But where? I know it has to be put towards something positive.

This then begs a further question; was I born this way or was I made this way by my environment?

-nature vs nurture -
Are we really a tabula rasa (blank slate) as John Locke suggested or is there more going on?

You see, I see all these “heroes and villains” & “good guys and bad guys” and often wonder what happened?
Most times the good and the bad guys believe themselves to be good and fighting for a just cause,rarely do you find a “bad guy” who just knows that he is simply bad.

Upon further investigation and being a man of faith I see this scripture in the book of Romans that makes things a little more clear
though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God’s purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who callsRom 9 v 11-12
It is up to God whom he chooses,not by our actions/works.

It is carried on to say:-

What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills -Rom 9 v 14-18

An interesting question then becomes:-
You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? -Rom 9 v 19-21 -
That then settles that. Judas comes to mind.

The almighty chooses to make us the way we are or is it that because he is ever present all seeing future,past and present that he already knows what decisions and choices we are going to make and in planning for this he “chooses” beforehand to put the right people in the right place at the right time in order that his purpose may be fulfilled?

I will just leave you with that one for you to digest.

I understand free will and the power of choice,but how much are we really in control of this power?
Do we shape our destiny? Or is it pre-ordained?

So still the question remains:-

Hero or villain? is it fate or destiny?

.

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

Are you acting in faith,foolishness or presumption?-Apostle Fredrick K C Price-

I remember reading this rather engrossing book which had practical teaching on walking with God,this was a while ago and for some reason a few days back I found myself with yet more questions but only this time they reflected what I had read in this book.

It then dawned on me that perhaps I too needed to ask myself if I was practical enough in my approach to God.Now hear me properly I realise the fact that this walk isn’t meant to be practical but let’s also recognise the importance of right believing.

Often we get discouraged and disappointed when things do not go our way but of course this a natural human reaction.Looking deeper into this condition of discouragement and disappointment I have found that mostly we get here because of our source of belief.
Stay with me now.
If your source of belief is incorrect to begin with then obviously your end result( the thing you are hoping for/wish to transpire) will not be that which u want (incorrect).

The question then becomes what is your source of belief because your source of belief will influence your belief system which will in turn will shape into and become what you believe in which in turn will be the basis/base of either your disappointment and discouragement or your gratification and encouragement.

Now we can further then expand and ask,that what are your beliefs or believe system based on? Is it :-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

I then measure myself because before I knew God and Jesus I was doing some questionable immoral down right dirty shameful corrupt things.Often people would ask how I could live with myself and I just replied iconically “with 2 girlfriends and a dog,how you living?”……………that was a joke!
But on a serious note in situation like this if someone who gave up this kind of lifestyle to follow God and his word and Jesus’s promise of abundant life he or she will indeed have an expectation.
When I read the Old Testament it’s full of promises and revelation and it all came to pass.Jesus was revealed from the old into the New Testament to the point that he conquered death ai ai ai!!!So I know that his word is true!
And I know he promised me the best.

The struggle then becomes when my expectations are not met,this where the revelatory moment came to me in form of a question as thus;“are you believing and operating in”:-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

In an illustration of the power of expectation: any man who has met a lady,you start calling her on Mon,tue,wed thru to Friday and miss sartuday.When you call on Sunday I can guarantee you half if not three quarters of the conversation will be about you explaining why you didn’t call her on sartuday.
If after 5 days she has an expectation from you,what more me? One who has been waiting 5 weeks/5 months/5 years………….oh help me lord.

Faith
The substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.Blessings Released to us by the grace of God are thus: according to his will and purpose in our lives for the glorification of his name and restoration of the kingdom.

Foolishness

(i)Lacking or exhibiting a lack of good sense or judgment; silly: foolish remarks(ii)Resulting from stupidity or misinformation; unwise: a foolish decision(iii)Arousing laughter; absurd or ridiculous: a foolish grin.
(iv)Immoderate or stubborn; unreasonable: foolish pride; foolish love(v)Embarrassed,Insignificant; trivial.

Presumption
(i)an idea that is taken to be true on the basis of probability(ii)the acceptance of something as true although it is not known for certain(iii)audacious (even arrogant) behavior that you have no right to.

For me on the basis on what you are operating on and belief system you fall into measures your disappointment&discouragement or your encouragement&gratification.

So on this day are you in

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

From the hot……….into the cold.

So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.-Rev 3 v 16-

Notice then this warrior of The Lord,gifted and equipped to carry the word,anointed,spirited full of faith and no seed of doubt.He is in fact hot for God.
Since being in this state and exhibiting the fruit of the spirit and displaying the spiritual gifts,condemnation always sets it when a lukewarmness starts to display,kind of like am not really bothered about this,I am neither here nor there, let what comes come,being complacent,in the middle like.

For being lukewarm symbolises comfort I do not wish to be comfortable in my mess.
Not just because I do not like it only, but also that it displeases my Heavenly Father to the point that he wishes to “spew” me out.In the original Greek it’s vomit, modern day equivalent puke,sick……….I would rather be cold than have God be sick of me.

It then brings me to the early conclusion that cold is my only option for I am not hot for him not because I lost my faith (that could never happen am too far gone) but rather because by measuring myself I feel I am not quiet fit to fight this war for the mean time.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
Who can know it?I the Lord, search the heart,I test the mind,Even to give every man according to his ways,according to the fruit of his doings.
- Jer 17 v 9-10-

How can I then hide from the very one that searches my very heart and tests my very mind?
I cannot.

He is after all the Alpha&Omega he is the very word that we finish with in prayer,which is amen(the last word).
So how can I then pretend I am something I am not to whom that I can not hide my core nature to.
A word of warning to the hypocrites you deceive yourselves and fellow man but not God.Our father will spew you out.That was from a place of love by the way.

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. -Eph 6 v 11-

As a warrior I compare myself to the modern day soldier fully equipped and armed,I also know that the country/kingdom I fight for is supposed to provide the training and gear for me to complete my task in the war and provide air support when the enemy attacks and overwhelms.
What do you do when you radio in your position and call for support and no jets or apache helicopter gun ships are showing up.
What you do you do then?
Compromise?

You see the word in itself wouldn’t so much bother the average comfortable BMW driving, loving husband/wife at home,good career,warrior.She or indeed he has backup and support in the physical for the war.
On the other hand ask the starving,cold and lacking lonely warrior who has reached the end of his/her wits,when quoting scripture isn’t aligning with his reality……step in his shoes and tell him not to compromise.

However as a soldier I realise that bad actions and behaviour on my part will shame my kingdom.So I therefore must remain honourable and stand in integrity.Anything short is unacceptable and I will face court martial/judgement for my actions.

It is now my last updated conclusion that this warrior steps down,that he discharges himself from this battle for I would rather be cold than lukewarm.Either be cold or hot.

I choose to be cold,perhaps when I shiver and in the dark it will bring me back to the place where it’s hot.Since lukewarm is not an option I am forced to step into the cold.
I hereby discharge myself with the little honour I have left.I am not retired,just not renewing my contract,when the kingdom deems me ready then I shall be reinstated.
For now I feel ill equipped to fight this battle.

From the hot………into the cold.

Identity crisis… …….who are you?

“He is 29,an entrepreneur,former day trader,father of zero,married to ………., he is from London,he has issues,he is crazy,immature….” -people-

Notice then that this is how people who know you describe you to other people.

It then becomes curious that since we identify ourselves by how other people describe us,we then begin to form an identity of ourselves based on how other people see us and not how we see ourselves.

I then begin to understand the importance of association.Let me break it down:- being lucky enough to be with a woman who builds you up instead of breaking you down is key.My other half refuses to see the negative aspects of me and my failures,a fact that she just reminded me of (funny I never saw this before),though I have tried this woman she yet remains strong ….I never knew how lucky I was until……….

Anywhoo I then realise that the definition of myself has been solely based on the opinions of the people around me.
My sisters always have a way of building me up and often times when I have done something which disappoints them I find that I too am disappointed.The same is true for my mum and dad.
This then means that the people who you think are important to you in your life,thier opinion matters to you to the point that your identity start to form around their opinions of you.

I hope I haven’t lost you here…stay with me now.

The danger is then in taking opinions of negative people who you think are important to you.
It’s easy not to care when someone says a negative thing about you when you already know they don’t like you anyway,they “haters” and “I don’t have time for that”, “am not the one” that don’t bother you so much.
But the issue comes in when someone pretends to like you when they really hate you and you think their opinions come from a place of love but it’s all coming from a hateful place and u begin to form an identity around this and their opinions.

It’s funny,these people will be picking their teeth after they have had thier pound of flesh from you,please bring me a word of comfort,speak medicine and life into my soul ….am already getting here,but you full.

The issue of mid life crisis
as best described by my friend http://dietrying999.wordpress.com Brings me to a revelation as to what happens.Essesiantialy it is the opinion of those around you and the media that tells you that your hair is receding and the belly is getting bigger and the energy isn’t what it used to be …,you are having a mid life crisis ah!! the power of suggestion which I would further describe as an

Identity crisis………who are you?

I just wonder who influences your identity? who do you let define who you are?

It’s often those who are around us,in a subtle way this happens and before you know it you are defined in a certain way :-

Young,beautiful,successful,intelligent,witty,clever smart,rich,driven,loving,kind,cheerful.

Or

Old,grumpy,hateful,liar,fat&ugly,crazy,foolish,idiotic,failure, etcetera

And before you know it you start to believe this and miss your destiny and abandon your dreams.

I present this to you
You are not your job,not your family,not your issues,not where you live or where you are from,you are not what you do.But most importantly you are not who they say you are.
Take control take charge of your life,no ones knows you better than you .They are not there when you are crying yourself to sleep or when you are about to jump off a bridge or when you sit alone in a dark empty room and wonder “how did I get here?”
Your opinion about yourself should be what shaped your identity not anyone else’s.

If you can’t shut them up,shut them out.

Your life is your own be mindful of how you walk it.You cannot tell me how to walk my walk, I ll take your advice but in the end this is my walk my destiny.

Stop being handled and handle your life,the most tragic thing is living a lie that someone professed on your life.

So today I ask you who are you listening to? who is influencing your life? Or should I say who are you allowing to influence you?

Identity crisis …… ………who are you?

Hypocritical christians and ur holy judgemental selves

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! -Jesus Christ-

I make no bones about it I am the first to admit my flaws as an individual,I don’t admit it as that I am proud of it or that I don’t want to address the issue and if your response to my addiction that I have struggled with is that I should simply “grow up” then I suggest to you that you are a fool and I don’t use that term lightly.

Because if you think that I simply enjoy what I do and am proud of it, and considering the age you are at, then you just an old fool.Granted you may have gone through struggles yourself but your struggle was your own and the way you overcame yours is not the same way I am to overcome mine.
Basically you are you and I am me.

Indeed I am guilty of being hypocrite myself based on the fact I don’t practice what I preach,but at least am honest about it.You are just a hypocrite.My character will evolve my issues will be overcome you on the other hand will always remain a hypocritical christian with ur judgemental holy self.

I wonder what makes the liar or proud or selfish self serving member of the church more “acceptable” than the drunk or the drug addict or the sex addict or the murder the gay ones oh don’t even go there leppers they are.
After all the “acceptable” ones either simply made a mistake or perhaps sometimes “things happen” and the others refuse to change, they love their sin,you and your judgemental selves.

You know it’s funny, different categories of sins and sinners and you are qualified to treat me as such……really?
I see alduters, liars, whole mongers,filthy talkers,gossipers,power lusting,money loving materialistic people in your very church.But ah!!thats acceptable isn’t it?
Good think you are saved otherwise I would simply tell you to go to hell.Not very holy of me but I know God is working on me,and have not acted as though I am or claimed to be,I hunger and aspire for it each day.

I know one thing for sure the same God you serve is the same God I have seen do wondrous things in my life.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.-Rev 3 v 8-
If you think your opinions, talks and attempts to contain me will move me,think again,I am at a position in my life where I trust no one but God to open doors for me, ones not even you,ones which especially you won’t can’t shut despite your best efforts.
Look at you and your religious self.

The power of my deliverance rests in Jesus,yes I am not perfect but the God I know uses the imperfect
Paul : killer of Christians
David: killed a man for his wife
Moses:killed a man in anger
Need I go on? granted they all were changed by God,but change is a process and they learned along the way cause God gave them a chance.If he can use a murder surely he will use the addict,the conflicted,the confunsed.And while these people will be delivered out of their bondages in Christ, you will always remain a

Hypocritical Christian with ur judgemental holy self.

I love you ………but sometimes!

“I thought she was an intruder when I shot through the door”-Oscar Pistorius-

This is the comment I heard this morning as I sat on the M1 sipping a coffee,as I reached for the radio while stuck in traffic.As gloomy as the morning is rainy typical of the UK the car is warm and comfortable,yes the Germans do indeed make good vehicles.But something does not sit well with me.Hearing about this case of the South African athlete who claims to have accidentally shot his girlfriend to death,something in me just doesn’t settle quite well.

But it’s more than that,I have in fact upset my other half,and every part of me feels it.

Let me just say as far as this case goes,I do not wish to speculate on this guy’s guilt or innocence,a family lost their daughter/sister/friend/niece and my heart goes out to them,in due time they will get the closure and justice but that still won’t replace the loss.

This just got me thinking as to why we hurt eachother and say hurtful and hateful things to one another that it drives us to the point that we can take a life.
Now I was going to walk into judgement and say “oh no not me” but then I recall some times when my frustration hits the roof and I need to take a “time out” not that I have anger issues but I do at times get angry,someone said to me once that if you don’t believe the devil exist next time you are acting crazy go look in the mirror quickly and you are sure to see one.

I love you……..but sometimes!

Perhaps it is my fault that I said something silly and have upset you,but still the passive aggression has to go.Often I will ask “baby what is wrong?” and I will get “nothing” when I know you are gearing up for payback.
Women have a subtle creative way of making you pay for your mistakes,for as any man knows when she looks at you like that,oh you in trouble and sooner or later you gonna pay.

20140307-090656.jpg

I’d just rather we settled this right now,yes I am silly I am a man after all and we are not the smartest gender.I just wondered what posses people to enter into conflict with their other halves.I look around me and it’s everywhere,a couple arguing in the Que in the coffee shop,others clearly shouting at one another in the car (must be the traffic).

Oh help me here,I should be smarter than this,there is some grovelling to be done,only this time flowers aren’t going to cut it,I must admit I was wrong though I still feel she should have known better,that’s the struggle.

Now I love you ………….but sometimes!