The wiseman,the ex and the six locks.

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning”        -Clint Eastwood- 

This is the man who is dirty harry,he was blondie the baddest gunslinger in wild west,he protected the president in.In the line of fire and he even trained the million dollar baby,and if he said this then what hope is there for the average man?

“you feeling lucky punk? well do ya?” 

Anywhoo! This weekend I was helping out a friend move some stuff out of storage.since I was there he just took the opportunity to pick up other bits he had stored up at another household in the vicinity.Upon arrival I recognized the neighborhood and I had a funny feeling of which home we were heading to, it belonged to one of the wisemen who has since sadly after  my last post  get it right the first time  here has separated from his other half.(and no it wasn’t coz of me or my posts at least I hope not 😦 we were all shocked).

My nervousness was due to the fact that our last encounter with her wasn’t pretty at all,she was understandably upset it was a difficult time for her, chucking her husband out and throwing a few things out behind him.

To my surprise she welcomed us with open hands with a smile underneath all that hurt.I could tell I have seen a hurting woman or two in my lifetime,but what captured me was her transformation she was calm and collected for which I gave  her credit for and I just assumed  during that time everything was overheated.

Fast forward a few hours later I was getting ready to be heading home,my friend told me he had forgotten something,reluctantly I agreed to go back with him and there it was. Chaos, a fight brewing,the wiseman had returned to pick up some of his belongings he had left behind and lets just say it was not a pretty sight.She was completely transformed into something else clearly his presence had changed her entirely.We left.

On the drive back “did you notice the extra locks on the door?” I asked my friend trying to lighten the mood.“yeah” he went “you know she must not feel safe being alone in such a big house,and people know she is alone there so…”

“Yes bra, but there must’ve been about 6 of those things, think that was for him?” I responded to him.

“well she is smart,she probably only locks each other lock in the row and since they are 6 of them,  whoever is trying to pick them  will be locking the other unlocked ones and tada  unsuccessful”  he joked, of course he must have stolen that somewhere but his delivery  was timeless I couldn’t help but laugh after the joke had sank.

This really got me thinking about separations and the bitterness that follows between couples.In my experience its usually the woman’s choice that forces the man out the house or decide to break the relationship up. Seldom has it been the man’s choice.

Of course my observations are merely reflecting on the things I see around friends,colleagues,acquaintances,relations,the community at large etc etc  and being a man I would like to share my confusion from a male perspective.

Let me just say I am condoning any kind of abuse if the woman decided to take such measures to protect herself she is obviously justified or for whatever reason,he was lazy,she just wasn’t happy,the love was gone, hey could be a million reasons I am not interested in that,what interests me is the reaction in the aftermath.

The fact is women are more angry and the more bitter and emotional and uncivil, in-agreeable and not amicable at all.I do not mean to offend or generalize.Of course some men are as equally bad but they are mainly spiteful in their hurt.Thats not to excuse them.

I see men as simple creatures for the most part, a man in a relationship if its good,even if nothing else in his life is right,he still feels like his whole world is complete. There could be a 10.5 earthquake outside and they wouldn’t worry, after all I am in love with a good woman.

We learn to keep our mouths shut generally and we will open  doors,of course this is when we realize you were Miss Right when we met and we thought you would be Mrs Right only you forgot to mention your first name was always.  

But often men will stick around though the situation is difficult, its a better the devil you know the kind of  thing where you stay in your mess as long as you know what to expect,than be in a position where you have left and do not know what to expect on the outside world.

Yes conflict will always arise some great writers observed that:

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Honoré de Balzac. 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.

Michel de Montaigne 

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. (lol)

Zsa Zsa Gabor  (okay okay this one is an actress.)

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

H.L Mencken

Indeed falling in love and having a relationship are very too different things.And the secret to a happy marriage remains a secret,and behind every man, great or not, is a woman rolling her eyes.The advice then given to me by my mentor in college  not to get married soon afterwards as he explained it at the time “every perspective employer would see how prone to making mistakes you are seeing as you have made a major one already”.

Truth is people change and forget to tell eachother about it.My thoughts are further confirmed by Oscar Wilde who said:

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

 

I need some help here, why so angry when in fact it was your choice in the first place ?

Where is the hostility coming from?

Why do you hate me so much? You are not the only one hurting here.

Now I love you all my sisters out there, but sometimes your gender confuses me.

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher

Socrates. 

I suppose most are doomed to becoming philosophers, in the meantime I sit here confused as I wonder about;

the wiseman,the ex and the six locks.

 

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27 thoughts on “The wiseman,the ex and the six locks.

  1. I just read this one and have to respond. I just got a Divorce after 12 years of marriage. My husband was a believer when we got married. Supposedly. However, now, he says he really wasn’t. He Gave Up. He chose not to love me anymore. He chose not to take the “responsibility” of being my partner. He did not look at marriage as the end. He wants to be single and play the field with variety. Sorry, but this one hit a nerve. Some women have a right to be hurt and angry.

    • Hi and allow me to say how sorry I am for what you are going through,it is no easy thing to have to separate from someone who was once so close to you,I know, I have been there before.

      I think that,no I know that even the walker(one who left) also has some issues to deal with the loss and the hurt.Strictly speaking as a man we just do a better job of hiding it.

      That’s not to diminish the pain of the walkiee,but there are ways to deal with certain situations,one can be angry but not bitter,being hurt shouldn’t be or give one carte Blanche,bad behaviour is inexcusable.

      Having said that I can understand the anger spells and several other emotions that are felt during this time.
      But the hurt is usually on both sides,the turmoil it takes to walk out on someone,and it’s not as easy,one doesn’t replace someone for another person,the unique memories,the little stuff,the person left behind.

      It just reaches a point where the joy of staying behind doesn’t outweigh the pain of leaving,

      Key is letting the healing process take it’s course,and focus of a new life that’s based on “I ,me,myself” and let go of “him,her,us”

      • I agree that being hurt does not give us reason for bad behavior. I also agree with your final paragraph. However, that is an easy one to preach. Not quite as easy to do. It’s been 8 months for me. This is a very, slow process.

      • I know,without being too open an obvious if I were to tell you what happened to me in last couple of years,you would cry,

        In any case you will be okay,you are stronger than you think.

        You are in my prayers,email me sometime limbiley@yahoo.com

        A problem shared and all that

  2. Marriage is made in Heaven Limbiley, Jesus told us it is and that it reflects His relationship to the Church, which is us. But it’s not a man or woman’s fleshy version of it, that is why God’s tells us to put our flesh to death…..

    Colossians 3:1-17 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all. Therefore, as God’s chosen people, Holy and dearly Loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on Love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to Peace. And be thankful…..

    For a man and woman to find each other they need to find Jesus first, only He can empower us to live the Christian Life when we choose to Trust and obey Him. We are not to run away from our Marriage, God tells this to both the husband and wife, or are we to agree to disagree, it never works, we are to resolve our problems by bringing them to Him. But what if our Spouse is not a Christian, or they have run away, then we are to Trust God to work through us to bring reconciliation, not by force but by Love, if they still have no repentance and we have done as God told us, than we are no longer bound .

    So to have a Marriage that is made in Heaven, we choose not to walk in the flesh, because it opposes the Spirit, yes we are joined as one in the flesh through Marriage but in Christ Jesus we are joined as One in The Spirit.

    Perhaps Limbiley, you would like to see what Love is like all the time….

    Love – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2013/09/13/what-love-is-all-about-all-the-time/

    Christian Love from both of us – Anne.

  3. This is an uncomfortable post bc I see this in myself. I would agree that my husband and most men are simple. Women are complicated. They say men need respect, and women need love, but mercy, do we need communication as well. I can be in a perfectly fine mood like the woman in your post, and even though I love and treasure my husband, when he walks in the door, it’s like I change into a person just waiting for a reason to be bitter and angry. There’s a Tim McGraw song about being “Angry All The Time,” and it is the woman in the song who is angry. I can’t explain it other than to say that much of our days feel scripted:Same conversations, same arguments, same repeating over and over until you are blue in the face, wondering if you’re mate is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s, etc. Marriage is work, my friend.

    • Hi
      Yes that seems to be the theme,work work work.

      See it’s interesting my responses are mostly from ladies,and everyone has been honest about this.

      Suppose I directed the confusion towards end,but still you would think some man would have something to say.

      “Nothing box” every man has one apparently and no wonder relationships are such a mess.

      Always appreciate your company.

  4. Married once…once. It was wonderful and horrible and then it knock the wind right out of me. I wouldn’t trade it for anything but he did. Life is too good to wallow in the misery of mistakes and, I for one, choose happiness and fond memories over pity and bitterness. Two decades wasted would be a tragedy. See, there is another perspective.

    • You are one the rare ones,
      Not knowing the full story I could just make the observation that you seem to have seen the positive side of it and life in general, quite the optimist 🙂

      An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty and not every difficulty in an opportunity.

  5. Having been on both sides of this fence, I found your post both accurate and cynical.

    Maybe I’m different from other women, but all I wanted in my previous marriage was to be protected, honored and “seen.” But, the man I married turned to be an abuser with addictive tendencies, and his behaviors escalated over the 20 years we were married. Of course, he told me that the way he treated me was my fault, and I was never good enough. I lived in constant fear and confusion. When I finally divorced him, I wasn’t bitter or angry, just an emotional basket case and terribly hurt that my efforts to love him seemed to have failed. In truth, he was and is a full-fledged narcissist. I was powerless to change him…

    Fast forward – I have been married for 7 years to an amazing man who treats me like gold and whom I love, admire and respect more than any man I have ever known. Our marriage is not work at all. We constantly, automatically look for ways to make the other person happy. I love that he is all man – masculine and protective and independent, and he loves that I am a real woman – feminine, affectionate and respectful. We do not ridicule the other gender or each other but encourage and support one another. Perhaps it seems so easy because of our histories – I dunno, but it sure is sweet.

    And, it does seem at times like we live in a culture where many women are controlling and demanding and often treat men like they are stupid or inferior. They are self-centered and toxic make all of us look bad…

    A healthy marriage is possible. BOTH have to want it and have to be willing to “see” and honor the other.

    Thanks for the intriguing commentary.

    • “And, it does seem at times like we live in a culture where many women are controlling and demanding and often treat men like they are stupid or inferior. They are self-centered and toxic make all of us look bad…

      A healthy marriage is possible. BOTH have to want it and have to be willing to “see” and honor the other”

      I couldn’t agree with you more.

      My cynicism (if it shows) comes from experiences with people,nothing else.
      But you offer quite valuable insight.

      I guess people are just selfish and one has to experience it to truly appreciate what that statement means (not that I have to tell you that).

      But what you gonna do?it is what it is.

  6. It is all sad. Approaching our 39th wedding anniversary and I would love to say that marriage is a piece of cake… that may be so, but often times the cake is stale or moldy or just plain awful…. Once in a while though… all is perfect. The anger comes from hurt and disappointment, both a common factor in any relationship. We hurt and disappoint the other and ourselves too often. I think there is a lesson for you here, and I can’t wait to read about it. Six locks is just smart. 😉 Great post, loved the quotes!

      • Being a mere cat. a thought went plop. You have said similar “right first time” stuff before on these pages re marriage. The plopping thought went a little like this (it is typed with a whisper – it comes out very black and white – go with the whisper if you can):

        What gives you the right to know it right before you do. Who gives you the right to get it right before your time. Why should you know before you grow. Doesn’t that tell your wife you know so much about her, about you, about getting right that neither of you will get it wrong. Neither of you can get it wrong. Now that is Pressure. That is Perfection. That is Godlike. Except that is Man.

        (is it just me or does that sound very familiar in another context?)

        A mere cat – over and out – trying to figure it out. 🙂

      • Rofl,you crack me up,okay going with the whispering voice.

        I am just trying to let others avoid what seems like a very costly sad mistake(the breakup part)and I figured the best way to do that is to get answers from the “successful ones” and the “failed ones” and find a middle ground.
        Somehow just saying that’s human just doesn’t seem to cut it for me.

        I want more!!!!

        A wiseman learns more from a foolish question,than a fool does from a clever answer -Bruce lee-

  7. I like your post, it’s interesting. I’ve never realised men thought this. I’ve seen a few divorces, my own parents are recently divorced, and I must say that everyone of them has been initiated by the woman but for good reason. A woman, regardless of new feminist thinking, always feels some type of duty or desire to please her husband. However, imagine you attempt, whether successful or not, to please someone only to feel all your effort wasted. This could be for many reasons, cheating is the usual one I’ve seen, but also just being under appreciated. Women are always accused of nagging, I wonder if their spouses had listened instead of brushing them aside they’d still be married? My sister told her husband she wasn’t happy and wasn’t sure about the marriage and he ignored her. If a woman feels like her spouse isn’t interested that desire to please will vanish and instead become a burden and hate will begin to fester. To women a marriage and life partner is primarily there for their emotional support not just materialistic. Don’t forget the fact that the men, if divorced will be going back to the bachelor lifestyle, cooking and cleaning for themselves, so of course they don’t want things to end.
    I should say though this is just from my experiences of divorce. I was blessed to find an amazing man and have been happily married for 11 years. I don’t think there’s a formula for happiness in marriages, but my husband and I are very traditional with our roles. I know many people don’t agree with the ‘oldie’ views on marriage where the wife serves her husband, but my greatest joy is pleasing my husband and fulfilling my duties. I think people have let themselves relax too much and have forgotten to practice common courtesy and decency with each other. However the beauty of mankind is that everyone is different and unique and we must all search for our own brand of happiness.

    • Hi,
      Firstly congratulations on 11 years.
      I think the trick for you is you guys found a balance and thats key I think.Whenever I wonder about this relationship thing it always winds down to more confusion but the most apparent thing is misunderstanding each other,lack of respect.

      I am just glad I was right about the fact that its the women who often start the process.

      And yes men do think about this thing just not a lot talk about it…..openly.

      Thanks for stopping by.

  8. Interesting post. I had to laugh about Mrs. Right’s first name being “always”. Marriage is hard in the best of circumstances. It is not for the faint of heart. (I’ve been married 32 years.) Paul encouraged people to stay single because of the trouble that comes with being married. (I Corinthians 7:27-28)

  9. What an excellent, interesting, controversial topic. Women don’t just become mad for no reason. There are many men walking around driving women insane and when the woman reacts, people call her mad.

    • Suppose there is a balance of equally insane folk out there and women are just better at (for a lack of a better word) “expressing it”
      Why we drive eachother crazy is beyond me.

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