HALT …hungry angry lonely tired

Watch you don’t get too hungry,angry lonely tired p
AA

This one is a popular saying supposedly in recovery where one has to watch out for these symptoms otherwise a relapse is bound to occur.
It is interesting then that in our lives although we may not be addicts to a chemical substance we are all addicted to some form of substance.

One individual put it this way

you can not find a chemical solution for a spiritual problem

It would all then suggest to me that in order to fix any part of one’s life,one must first deal with one’s spirit.
I also quiet like to see it this way;relapse would easily be defined as going back to that which gives us comfort and use that substance which gives us comfort to battle whatever discomfort we are going through at the time.

Therefore it would seem to me that we are all a bunch of addicts just different flavours,difference outlets points,blowing off steam as it were,some use yoga,others therapist,some hit the club,others fast cars,shoe shopping,religion,……………..(fill in the blank as appropriate.)

In any case hungry,angry,lonely,tired seems appropiate.
But then question comes to mind

What do you do if you are so hungry in your spirit that there nothing to feed it and drive it,don’t know your purpose/calling/duty/task/assignment just yet?Coz hunger in the physical can be quenched with food but what do you do when you hunger for more than food and drink?

What do you do when you are so angry at life and yourself and everything else around you,that your own spirit is .,Angry because your expectations don’t match your experiences,that the promises don’t live up to problems faced.

What do you of when your loneliness is beyond that which the woman at the well suffered?

Now see this woman married 5 times,now living with a boyfriend or whatever,we all sit in judgement.

But I see her differently,only coz I sat at the well once in my life,lonely,sorrounded with people,loved ones and felt so alone.(funny how earlier I lived alone in a strange country at 22 and never felt lonely) but now am ……older,wiser,more accomplished,mature and yet………….I have everything I ever wanted but yet…..I still feel alone.

It is this solitude that I talk about,the one that your spouse,mummy or daddy can’t fix,cousin Ed tried so did nephew Lisa but still it won’t work
I need that belly of living waters.


See being alone and being lonely are too very different things

Anywhoo

Tired
Physical fatigue we can all handle with rest,get a massage,soak,
But what do u do when you are mentally exhausted?
it’s your mind now

when u get tired of being sick and tired

Tired like Elijah in the cave tired,tired like Moses to point of hitting the rock,tired like Jonah to the point of not going to Nineveh,tired like Paul to ask for the thorn to be removed,…3 times.
Tired like Jesus in garden when he begs

lLet this cup pass me by

Nevertheless your will ABBA FATHER

And as we stand never let us be too:-

Hungry angry lonely tired

Wedding,moving home and a baby

“3 most stressful things in life are getting married,moving home and having a baby” –survey

I can officially say that I am tired,mentally drained to the point of exhaustion,emotionally pulled and tagged in all directions,my patience tried in ways I never thought possible,my resilience tested beyond grounds,my tolerance levels challenged.

But hey that’s what u get with wedding,moving home and a baby

One down 2 to go, you know life will come with it’s challenges but this wow!! I never saw this one.Attempting all 3 at one time will overwhelm you I don’t know what I was thinking.

Allow me a little background if u will.
My getting married was about time,now due to the nature of my work I am the more flexible one besides my other half makes more than I do anyway so the logical thing to do was to move home to a new continent all together, in any case the wedding plans started to come up as did family and friends who wished to “help”(who knew so many relations could ve so many opinions??)

And the fun began,ideas,how do we keep everybody happy,suggestions,not one night has gone by that we didnt argue coz this relative wanted this or that relative wanted that.Venues menus colours OMGosh, I feel like ……………Turquoise&Fuscia

Now comes the moving:- my other half had to do most of the paying,after all am new to the country I don’t know what’s what and you know I need a little time to get things moving …..bla bla…..anyway we find this beautiful place and it’s gorgeous even by my high standards I approve.But wait the guilt.I feel bad when she leaves for work feel bad when am having a shower coz she paid for the electric and she even got me a gym membership and a library card…
Hello is this normal I feel bad walking on the carpet,I feel bad reaching in the fridge, the Playstation has been off for weeks.
Worst part is the emptiness when she goes to work “all by myself”

Now the baby talk,we already agreed that I would work from home and she would go back to her career,now I don’t know,,,,,I feel bad enough right now,I ve loads of nieces and nephews,cousins …I am black after all,so I can raise a baby.(it does take a village to raise one and I well …..never spent time in a village but the principle counts)I could be wrong.ANYWAY
But it’s this feeling am worried about
I ve attempted to plan a wedding,have moved home and I am drained.What will having a baby and be a stay and work at home Dad do to me?

Did I take on too much?

Help me here as I attempt to tackle the big 3:-

Wedding,moving home and a baby

As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.

Ur woman; a helper or hindrance? What do you do when the other half is a Haggar?

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And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.Gen 2 v 18

So it is then established that it is not good for man or woman to be alone,but wait a minute now why is it so often that the very half that we can’t live without is often the very half that influences us to do well let’s just say that which we would not do had we stayed in and watched a football game with the boys,or had we golfed it.I of course am speaking from a male point of view which being one isn’t so hard.

Curious then that when I look around me I see most marriages/relationships that your doom/absolve lies in who you end up with.

Now don’t get me wrong here but in his quest for man to find a wife he most often finds a knife.

Notice I said quest meaning the journey to marriage which covers all relationships in general.In my pondering while looking at my own life,friends,colleagues and history itself the biggest downfall of a man has always been a woman! Oh I feel something here.Wars were started, entire cities fell,blood brothers killed eachother,credit scores ruined all because of this beautiful creature called a woman, I need some help here.

As men we should know better but we don’t,check this out;

Eve: influenced Adam to bite the fruit.

Sarah:influenced Abram to have Ishmael and She even laughed at God once.

Jezebel: well had some influence on her husband’s relentless pursuit and killing of prophets.

Job’s wife:told him to curse God and die.

Helen of Troy: Greek mythology so beautiful her abduction brought on the Trojan war.

Cleopatra:her beauty was equally marched with her conquest of strong and powerful men.

Your ex/ current other half:………….

It then occurs to me that a man’s success and happiness is as determined by the woman in his life.Coz look if your woman is willing to overgo a couple of extravagant Christmases so that the business can do well in year 1 then you have been lucky indeed and she will be smiling all the way to the shoe shop later on.
Conversely I have seen a few men whose credit score has been ruined,the business has disappeared,others are working just as hard trying to keep 2 families afloat for once divorced and remarried one has 2 families he just doesn’t get to see the other one much if at all.

It is my conclusion then that a woman is this powerful,beautiful,God laughing,serpent speaking(what was eve thinking anyway talking to a snake?) influential man pulling creature.A kryptonite if you will,which has the ability to bring even super-man to his knees.

This then makes me wonder for when I look at Sarah though she was the ideal one still had her faults but when I look at Haggar she is the one you are attracted to for all the wrong reasons but just can’t seem to help yourself,and this always ends badly (for you the man that is) there is always a price to pay turmoil,emotional pain,financial pain,spiritual and even mental anguish to physical pain at times (or most times lol, depends)

So the question is and still remains ……

……a woman:a helper or a hindrance and what do you do when your other half is a Haggar?

The “real” Christmas Day the 26th

Now that that’s over with;
The fake people, fake affections, polite conversations, it all starts to creep back up and real life begins to return but it really won’t hit till early January.

A fellow blogger pointed out something about Xmas that reflected my feelings completely,how she put it again? oh yeah “cruella deville all year long and want to smile at Xmas”. All this stuff  about its a special time of year that we show our loved ones that we truly care and appreciate them makes me sick.Question comes to mind then that isn’t this something we should be doing all year round anyway?

I mean I don’t need a special day to prove to my loved ones that I care about them and fellas if you are using this day to show how much you care for your ladies/family then something is wrong there as it is equally for the ladies who put a spread and look after everyone for this day alone then after the presents and dinner is done its back to you now who,to the family members that will go back to ignoring each other all year round till yeah ……..you guessed it,next Xmas.

Now I do believe periods like this and birthdays, anniversaries should not go unmarked and uncelebrated,it just has to be for the right reasons.We live in a society today where everyone is looking for an excuse to either party or celebrate something to justify spending money.

We have an office party,hair,nails,dress,new tux,refit the kitchen.

My cat made a friend gonna throw a do invite the neighbourhood.You get the idea ridiculous stuff.

Clearly Christmas has lost its true meaning a long time ago,I mean its all about people rushing in bad moods in shopping, family members getting  together exchanging presents,eating,drinking and that’s it really. I do  however take advantage of today,its a day for me that sales are on and I see it as my real Christmas day,and it has a been a tradition of mine to go out spending and get whatever I want as long as I can get a good deal then why not?

Its a relief,you should be able to just get out there at  any time of the year and get what you want if you can afford it of course,same goes for showing love for one another,why wait for a “special day” these are things that should be done everyday,anyway.

Makes me loathe Christmas day  for what society  has made it  become and what it represents,the way it changes people really evil on the days before (especially in rushed last minutes shopping cause you just cant turn up without a present now can you?) and extremely pleasant on the day then,well back again yo yoing around,I can’t stand that and people like that.

Where are all the real people gone to these days?

So today I go forth and keep the tradition going to get something ridiculously priced just coz I can,no excuses,no pressure as today is my “real Christmas day the 26th”

Suppose I am alone in this.I wonder what other’s do today besides fight and be depressed ,or return the kid(s).It can be a sad time of year.