Too scared to pray

FEAR:- False Evidence Appearing Rear”-some wise guy-

Today it happened,I was Too scared to pray perhaps I am just tired of all these attacks and mishappenings or perhaps it’s just that every-time I get into prayer deeply then the devil shows up.

Curious then that during my wild days of partying,poker,brandy and cigars it all worked out.

One drove home drunk as a skunk and never once scratched his M3 or the powerful 420d

In any case it would seem that the minute I changed allegiances,afflictions followed.

Now am not scared just tired,see when u operate in your calling opposition comes but then so does provision.I just wonder now considering what I ve gone through,I see a way out, but then it’s not

Not the way The Lord has made,…No this is ME Limbiley.

See Jacob sceemed lied and got his own way ….he was a schemer,a con artist, he could lie, ” sounds like all men I know”

I too wrested with angels
I too painted the herd striped spotted
I too have been there,so I am Jacob

Besides if I had a hairy brother who would sell me his birthright for soup…..then u knw……

In any case I fear praying coz the bad has happened in the last few years just after I prayed,

Coz evil manifests better and quicker than the good and the holy,

So now am too scared to pray

Yet in my heart am still a Schemer and I ll negotiate myself out of this calamity coz all I know to do is this “survive or die”

So I will ……but now, I will won’t Die,and I won’t be scared,coz I change my mind.
Since I must live ….I will live and when I do live….

I will pray

And I ain’t

Too scared to pray anymore

And when I get up you gonna wish u killed me when u had the chance devil.

Coz now

I ain’t :-

Too scared to pray

HALT …hungry angry lonely tired

Watch you don’t get too hungry,angry lonely tired p
AA

This one is a popular saying supposedly in recovery where one has to watch out for these symptoms otherwise a relapse is bound to occur.
It is interesting then that in our lives although we may not be addicts to a chemical substance we are all addicted to some form of substance.

One individual put it this way

you can not find a chemical solution for a spiritual problem

It would all then suggest to me that in order to fix any part of one’s life,one must first deal with one’s spirit.
I also quiet like to see it this way;relapse would easily be defined as going back to that which gives us comfort and use that substance which gives us comfort to battle whatever discomfort we are going through at the time.

Therefore it would seem to me that we are all a bunch of addicts just different flavours,difference outlets points,blowing off steam as it were,some use yoga,others therapist,some hit the club,others fast cars,shoe shopping,religion,……………..(fill in the blank as appropriate.)

In any case hungry,angry,lonely,tired seems appropiate.
But then question comes to mind

What do you do if you are so hungry in your spirit that there nothing to feed it and drive it,don’t know your purpose/calling/duty/task/assignment just yet?Coz hunger in the physical can be quenched with food but what do you do when you hunger for more than food and drink?

What do you do when you are so angry at life and yourself and everything else around you,that your own spirit is .,Angry because your expectations don’t match your experiences,that the promises don’t live up to problems faced.

What do you of when your loneliness is beyond that which the woman at the well suffered?

Now see this woman married 5 times,now living with a boyfriend or whatever,we all sit in judgement.

But I see her differently,only coz I sat at the well once in my life,lonely,sorrounded with people,loved ones and felt so alone.(funny how earlier I lived alone in a strange country at 22 and never felt lonely) but now am ……older,wiser,more accomplished,mature and yet………….I have everything I ever wanted but yet…..I still feel alone.

It is this solitude that I talk about,the one that your spouse,mummy or daddy can’t fix,cousin Ed tried so did nephew Lisa but still it won’t work
I need that belly of living waters.


See being alone and being lonely are too very different things

Anywhoo

Tired
Physical fatigue we can all handle with rest,get a massage,soak,
But what do u do when you are mentally exhausted?
it’s your mind now

when u get tired of being sick and tired

Tired like Elijah in the cave tired,tired like Moses to point of hitting the rock,tired like Jonah to the point of not going to Nineveh,tired like Paul to ask for the thorn to be removed,…3 times.
Tired like Jesus in garden when he begs

lLet this cup pass me by

Nevertheless your will ABBA FATHER

And as we stand never let us be too:-

Hungry angry lonely tired

Wedding,moving home and a baby

“3 most stressful things in life are getting married,moving home and having a baby” –survey

I can officially say that I am tired,mentally drained to the point of exhaustion,emotionally pulled and tagged in all directions,my patience tried in ways I never thought possible,my resilience tested beyond grounds,my tolerance levels challenged.

But hey that’s what u get with wedding,moving home and a baby

One down 2 to go, you know life will come with it’s challenges but this wow!! I never saw this one.Attempting all 3 at one time will overwhelm you I don’t know what I was thinking.

Allow me a little background if u will.
My getting married was about time,now due to the nature of my work I am the more flexible one besides my other half makes more than I do anyway so the logical thing to do was to move home to a new continent all together, in any case the wedding plans started to come up as did family and friends who wished to “help”(who knew so many relations could ve so many opinions??)

And the fun began,ideas,how do we keep everybody happy,suggestions,not one night has gone by that we didnt argue coz this relative wanted this or that relative wanted that.Venues menus colours OMGosh, I feel like ……………Turquoise&Fuscia

Now comes the moving:- my other half had to do most of the paying,after all am new to the country I don’t know what’s what and you know I need a little time to get things moving …..bla bla…..anyway we find this beautiful place and it’s gorgeous even by my high standards I approve.But wait the guilt.I feel bad when she leaves for work feel bad when am having a shower coz she paid for the electric and she even got me a gym membership and a library card…
Hello is this normal I feel bad walking on the carpet,I feel bad reaching in the fridge, the Playstation has been off for weeks.
Worst part is the emptiness when she goes to work “all by myself”

Now the baby talk,we already agreed that I would work from home and she would go back to her career,now I don’t know,,,,,I feel bad enough right now,I ve loads of nieces and nephews,cousins …I am black after all,so I can raise a baby.(it does take a village to raise one and I well …..never spent time in a village but the principle counts)I could be wrong.ANYWAY
But it’s this feeling am worried about
I ve attempted to plan a wedding,have moved home and I am drained.What will having a baby and be a stay and work at home Dad do to me?

Did I take on too much?

Help me here as I attempt to tackle the big 3:-

Wedding,moving home and a baby

Lord help me…help me …help myself for I have a hardened heart

For they considered not the miracle of the loaves: for their heart was hardenedmark 6 v 52-

Often I have wondered how people who walked and witnessed the wonders and miracles performed by Jesus Christ would still be amazed at how he could still walk on water after just feeding 5000 men (excluding women and children),among healing the sick,the blind and water into wine thingy.

Little did I know I was about to get my answer in the most painful way and have to live it.
I like Israelites and Peter boasted.One of them proclaimed “whatever u command us to do we shall do and the other said “I will never leave u Lord never forsake you,oh no…not moi”
The first led to the law of Moses being introduced at Mt Sinai and 3000 of them died the latter denied knowing him 3 times..Did they “eat” their words.
Fast forward 2000 years + later and am eating mine.

See am having a Jerry Maguire moment right now but instead of shouting the infamous “show me the money ” am shouting the rather not so famous “help me…help you” but I recognise God doesnot need or require my help to help me neither do I posses any help within myself to help myself so am crying

“Lord help me ….help me help myself for I recognise I have a hardened heart”

Now see times were when I would simply say the devil made me do it,or it’s warfare or it’s the will or rather not the will,little did I know the heart was richly responsible.

A hardened heart is :-
i)insensitive (ii)cold (iii)unfeeling (iv)unyielding
Symptoms of a hardened heart
Inability to understand,perceive,see,hear,think and assess situations and circumstances clearly.
One has become somewhat dull to the senses both spiritual and sensual.

Now am in trouble for the senses that connect me to the world both spiritual and sensual are not working and can’t be trusted.

See I can “feel” by touch,taste,smell and sight.But watch this now even the “sight” am warned not to walk by it,but rather walk by faith.This then leaves me with hearing.For faith Cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God.

But hear me now am dulled because my heart is hardened I cannot “hear” and now more than ever I need to hear a word from God (himself) and not just the word of God from someone.

They didnot even consider the miracle of the loaves for their hearts had become hardened….all this time seeking and walking with Christ then this happens …..desciples I feel you now.

This is painful for I am lost,blind,deaf and my mind is numb,even worst my spirit is equally troubled.

Lord…help me ….help me help myself for my heart is hardened.

Goodbye my lover am bored……. Hello devil am back!

“So whatever happened to you?”
“Life. Life happened
.”-David Nicholls-

Today marks the 6th month that I first wrote my first very post on WordPress and time does fly.Its been a somewhat interesting journey with emotions to reflect.
As much changes much remains the same,to be very honest am I such a different person to the one that put the ink to paper or fingers to keyboard as it were? Truthfully I don’t know.
Have I grown a little bit,yes absolutely,In experience yes,am I better for it?Well…..hmmm.

Now then if I have learnt anything is that the high of chasing the old stuff(which for reference I’d call the devil) just ain’t there anymore or at least is not quiet as exiciting,and my new lover (the new positive stuff I ve come to like and aspire to,,….)is or has just become rather boring,to put it simply.

So it’s a case of goodbye my lover am bored…….hello devil,am back or is it?

See the trouble is such that,one is caught in between steps where the old doesn’t cut it anymore and the new has already begun to get too familiar and it’s loosing it’s taste and it’s becoming all too regular and regular stopped cutting it ages ago.
So am stuck here looking for ways to “feel alive again coz I feel numb”
Days were I could simply find amusement in my own company and engross myself with a good book,or countless hours on the old playstation,take a little trip around but that has lost it’s appeal too.

Even more dangerous is the fact of finding everyone else around me uninteresting,boring,just not interested and am not very good company myself,for which am well aware for I feel irritable.

Is this what life and growing up really means?
Have I become old and grumpy,coz I feel like it now.
Am I becoming that guy who sits on the corner alone with his coffee and tablet/newspaper coz no one can stand him as equally as he can’t stand everyone else?

It’s a nice sunny evening,normally it would be time for a trip up north as Friday tradition would have it but on this occasion it won’t be happening,stuck between steps,am neither this nor that as is the case or as isn’t the case…..

Goodbye my lover am bored…….hello devil am back

Hero or villain? is it fate or destiny?

Take the blue pill and wake up believing whatever you are still believing or take the red pill and I ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes Morpheus-The Matrix.

Whenever I have a moment of “non-event” in my life I tend to do a lot of reflection and thinking.This a time when life just sort of runs smoothly and everything is tranquil.Curious then that I should be ecstatic but I find that I am not.It would seem am versed for either extreme terbulance in my life,either too peaceful,happy and content or troubled,corncerned or planning an exist strategy for a problem I don’t have yet.
The trouble of being a driven person is such that once you have achieved or are on the path to achieving that which you have planned to and are seeing your goals manifest,the passion and all that energy doesn’t just disappear.Its got to go somewhere.

Energy cannot be created or lost,it can simply be transferred from one form to another – Albert Einstien –

But where? I know it has to be put towards something positive.

This then begs a further question; was I born this way or was I made this way by my environment?

-nature vs nurture –
Are we really a tabula rasa (blank slate) as John Locke suggested or is there more going on?

You see, I see all these “heroes and villains” & “good guys and bad guys” and often wonder what happened?
Most times the good and the bad guys believe themselves to be good and fighting for a just cause,rarely do you find a “bad guy” who just knows that he is simply bad.

Upon further investigation and being a man of faith I see this scripture in the book of Romans that makes things a little more clear
though they were not yet born and had done nothing either good or bad—in order that God’s purpose of election might continue, not because of works but because of him who callsRom 9 v 11-12
It is up to God whom he chooses,not by our actions/works.

It is carried on to say:-

What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills –Rom 9 v 14-18

An interesting question then becomes:-
You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? -Rom 9 v 19-21 –
That then settles that. Judas comes to mind.

The almighty chooses to make us the way we are or is it that because he is ever present all seeing future,past and present that he already knows what decisions and choices we are going to make and in planning for this he “chooses” beforehand to put the right people in the right place at the right time in order that his purpose may be fulfilled?

I will just leave you with that one for you to digest.

I understand free will and the power of choice,but how much are we really in control of this power?
Do we shape our destiny? Or is it pre-ordained?

So still the question remains:-

Hero or villain? is it fate or destiny?

.

From the hot……….into the cold.

So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.-Rev 3 v 16-

Notice then this warrior of The Lord,gifted and equipped to carry the word,anointed,spirited full of faith and no seed of doubt.He is in fact hot for God.
Since being in this state and exhibiting the fruit of the spirit and displaying the spiritual gifts,condemnation always sets it when a lukewarmness starts to display,kind of like am not really bothered about this,I am neither here nor there, let what comes come,being complacent,in the middle like.

For being lukewarm symbolises comfort I do not wish to be comfortable in my mess.
Not just because I do not like it only, but also that it displeases my Heavenly Father to the point that he wishes to “spew” me out.In the original Greek it’s vomit, modern day equivalent puke,sick……….I would rather be cold than have God be sick of me.

It then brings me to the early conclusion that cold is my only option for I am not hot for him not because I lost my faith (that could never happen am too far gone) but rather because by measuring myself I feel I am not quiet fit to fight this war for the mean time.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
Who can know it?I the Lord, search the heart,I test the mind,Even to give every man according to his ways,according to the fruit of his doings.
Jer 17 v 9-10-

How can I then hide from the very one that searches my very heart and tests my very mind?
I cannot.

He is after all the Alpha&Omega he is the very word that we finish with in prayer,which is amen(the last word).
So how can I then pretend I am something I am not to whom that I can not hide my core nature to.
A word of warning to the hypocrites you deceive yourselves and fellow man but not God.Our father will spew you out.That was from a place of love by the way.

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. -Eph 6 v 11-

As a warrior I compare myself to the modern day soldier fully equipped and armed,I also know that the country/kingdom I fight for is supposed to provide the training and gear for me to complete my task in the war and provide air support when the enemy attacks and overwhelms.
What do you do when you radio in your position and call for support and no jets or apache helicopter gun ships are showing up.
What you do you do then?
Compromise?

You see the word in itself wouldn’t so much bother the average comfortable BMW driving, loving husband/wife at home,good career,warrior.She or indeed he has backup and support in the physical for the war.
On the other hand ask the starving,cold and lacking lonely warrior who has reached the end of his/her wits,when quoting scripture isn’t aligning with his reality……step in his shoes and tell him not to compromise.

However as a soldier I realise that bad actions and behaviour on my part will shame my kingdom.So I therefore must remain honourable and stand in integrity.Anything short is unacceptable and I will face court martial/judgement for my actions.

It is now my last updated conclusion that this warrior steps down,that he discharges himself from this battle for I would rather be cold than lukewarm.Either be cold or hot.

I choose to be cold,perhaps when I shiver and in the dark it will bring me back to the place where it’s hot.Since lukewarm is not an option I am forced to step into the cold.
I hereby discharge myself with the little honour I have left.I am not retired,just not renewing my contract,when the kingdom deems me ready then I shall be reinstated.
For now I feel ill equipped to fight this battle.

From the hot………into the cold.

Identity crisis… …….who are you?

“He is 29,an entrepreneur,former day trader,father of zero,married to ………., he is from London,he has issues,he is crazy,immature….” -people-

Notice then that this is how people who know you describe you to other people.

It then becomes curious that since we identify ourselves by how other people describe us,we then begin to form an identity of ourselves based on how other people see us and not how we see ourselves.

I then begin to understand the importance of association.Let me break it down:- being lucky enough to be with a woman who builds you up instead of breaking you down is key.My other half refuses to see the negative aspects of me and my failures,a fact that she just reminded me of (funny I never saw this before),though I have tried this woman she yet remains strong ….I never knew how lucky I was until……….

Anywhoo I then realise that the definition of myself has been solely based on the opinions of the people around me.
My sisters always have a way of building me up and often times when I have done something which disappoints them I find that I too am disappointed.The same is true for my mum and dad.
This then means that the people who you think are important to you in your life,thier opinion matters to you to the point that your identity start to form around their opinions of you.

I hope I haven’t lost you here…stay with me now.

The danger is then in taking opinions of negative people who you think are important to you.
It’s easy not to care when someone says a negative thing about you when you already know they don’t like you anyway,they “haters” and “I don’t have time for that”, “am not the one” that don’t bother you so much.
But the issue comes in when someone pretends to like you when they really hate you and you think their opinions come from a place of love but it’s all coming from a hateful place and u begin to form an identity around this and their opinions.

It’s funny,these people will be picking their teeth after they have had thier pound of flesh from you,please bring me a word of comfort,speak medicine and life into my soul ….am already getting here,but you full.

The issue of mid life crisis
as best described by my friend http://dietrying999.wordpress.com Brings me to a revelation as to what happens.Essesiantialy it is the opinion of those around you and the media that tells you that your hair is receding and the belly is getting bigger and the energy isn’t what it used to be …,you are having a mid life crisis ah!! the power of suggestion which I would further describe as an

Identity crisis………who are you?

I just wonder who influences your identity? who do you let define who you are?

It’s often those who are around us,in a subtle way this happens and before you know it you are defined in a certain way :-

Young,beautiful,successful,intelligent,witty,clever smart,rich,driven,loving,kind,cheerful.

Or

Old,grumpy,hateful,liar,fat&ugly,crazy,foolish,idiotic,failure, etcetera

And before you know it you start to believe this and miss your destiny and abandon your dreams.

I present this to you
You are not your job,not your family,not your issues,not where you live or where you are from,you are not what you do.But most importantly you are not who they say you are.
Take control take charge of your life,no ones knows you better than you .They are not there when you are crying yourself to sleep or when you are about to jump off a bridge or when you sit alone in a dark empty room and wonder “how did I get here?”
Your opinion about yourself should be what shaped your identity not anyone else’s.

If you can’t shut them up,shut them out.

Your life is your own be mindful of how you walk it.You cannot tell me how to walk my walk, I ll take your advice but in the end this is my walk my destiny.

Stop being handled and handle your life,the most tragic thing is living a lie that someone professed on your life.

So today I ask you who are you listening to? who is influencing your life? Or should I say who are you allowing to influence you?

Identity crisis …… ………who are you?

Hypocritical christians and ur holy judgemental selves

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! Jesus Christ-

I make no bones about it I am the first to admit my flaws as an individual,I don’t admit it as that I am proud of it or that I don’t want to address the issue and if your response to my addiction that I have struggled with is that I should simply “grow up” then I suggest to you that you are a fool and I don’t use that term lightly.

Because if you think that I simply enjoy what I do and am proud of it, and considering the age you are at, then you just an old fool.Granted you may have gone through struggles yourself but your struggle was your own and the way you overcame yours is not the same way I am to overcome mine.
Basically you are you and I am me.

Indeed I am guilty of being hypocrite myself based on the fact I don’t practice what I preach,but at least am honest about it.You are just a hypocrite.My character will evolve my issues will be overcome you on the other hand will always remain a hypocritical christian with ur judgemental holy self.

I wonder what makes the liar or proud or selfish self serving member of the church more “acceptable” than the drunk or the drug addict or the sex addict or the murder the gay ones oh don’t even go there leppers they are.
After all the “acceptable” ones either simply made a mistake or perhaps sometimes “things happen” and the others refuse to change, they love their sin,you and your judgemental selves.

You know it’s funny, different categories of sins and sinners and you are qualified to treat me as such……really?
I see alduters, liars, whole mongers,filthy talkers,gossipers,power lusting,money loving materialistic people in your very church.But ah!!thats acceptable isn’t it?
Good think you are saved otherwise I would simply tell you to go to hell.Not very holy of me but I know God is working on me,and have not acted as though I am or claimed to be,I hunger and aspire for it each day.

I know one thing for sure the same God you serve is the same God I have seen do wondrous things in my life.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.-Rev 3 v 8-
If you think your opinions, talks and attempts to contain me will move me,think again,I am at a position in my life where I trust no one but God to open doors for me, ones not even you,ones which especially you won’t can’t shut despite your best efforts.
Look at you and your religious self.

The power of my deliverance rests in Jesus,yes I am not perfect but the God I know uses the imperfect
Paul : killer of Christians
David: killed a man for his wife
Moses:killed a man in anger
Need I go on? granted they all were changed by God,but change is a process and they learned along the way cause God gave them a chance.If he can use a murder surely he will use the addict,the conflicted,the confunsed.And while these people will be delivered out of their bondages in Christ, you will always remain a

Hypocritical Christian with ur judgemental holy self.

As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.