Too scared to pray

FEAR:- False Evidence Appearing Rear”-some wise guy-

Today it happened,I was Too scared to pray perhaps I am just tired of all these attacks and mishappenings or perhaps it’s just that every-time I get into prayer deeply then the devil shows up.

Curious then that during my wild days of partying,poker,brandy and cigars it all worked out.

One drove home drunk as a skunk and never once scratched his M3 or the powerful 420d

In any case it would seem that the minute I changed allegiances,afflictions followed.

Now am not scared just tired,see when u operate in your calling opposition comes but then so does provision.I just wonder now considering what I ve gone through,I see a way out, but then it’s not

Not the way The Lord has made,…No this is ME Limbiley.

See Jacob sceemed lied and got his own way ….he was a schemer,a con artist, he could lie, ” sounds like all men I know”

I too wrested with angels
I too painted the herd striped spotted
I too have been there,so I am Jacob

Besides if I had a hairy brother who would sell me his birthright for soup…..then u knw……

In any case I fear praying coz the bad has happened in the last few years just after I prayed,

Coz evil manifests better and quicker than the good and the holy,

So now am too scared to pray

Yet in my heart am still a Schemer and I ll negotiate myself out of this calamity coz all I know to do is this “survive or die”

So I will ……but now, I will won’t Die,and I won’t be scared,coz I change my mind.
Since I must live ….I will live and when I do live….

I will pray

And I ain’t

Too scared to pray anymore

And when I get up you gonna wish u killed me when u had the chance devil.

Coz now

I ain’t :-

Too scared to pray

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HALT …hungry angry lonely tired

Watch you don’t get too hungry,angry lonely tired p
AA

This one is a popular saying supposedly in recovery where one has to watch out for these symptoms otherwise a relapse is bound to occur.
It is interesting then that in our lives although we may not be addicts to a chemical substance we are all addicted to some form of substance.

One individual put it this way

you can not find a chemical solution for a spiritual problem

It would all then suggest to me that in order to fix any part of one’s life,one must first deal with one’s spirit.
I also quiet like to see it this way;relapse would easily be defined as going back to that which gives us comfort and use that substance which gives us comfort to battle whatever discomfort we are going through at the time.

Therefore it would seem to me that we are all a bunch of addicts just different flavours,difference outlets points,blowing off steam as it were,some use yoga,others therapist,some hit the club,others fast cars,shoe shopping,religion,……………..(fill in the blank as appropriate.)

In any case hungry,angry,lonely,tired seems appropiate.
But then question comes to mind

What do you do if you are so hungry in your spirit that there nothing to feed it and drive it,don’t know your purpose/calling/duty/task/assignment just yet?Coz hunger in the physical can be quenched with food but what do you do when you hunger for more than food and drink?

What do you do when you are so angry at life and yourself and everything else around you,that your own spirit is .,Angry because your expectations don’t match your experiences,that the promises don’t live up to problems faced.

What do you of when your loneliness is beyond that which the woman at the well suffered?

Now see this woman married 5 times,now living with a boyfriend or whatever,we all sit in judgement.

But I see her differently,only coz I sat at the well once in my life,lonely,sorrounded with people,loved ones and felt so alone.(funny how earlier I lived alone in a strange country at 22 and never felt lonely) but now am ……older,wiser,more accomplished,mature and yet………….I have everything I ever wanted but yet…..I still feel alone.

It is this solitude that I talk about,the one that your spouse,mummy or daddy can’t fix,cousin Ed tried so did nephew Lisa but still it won’t work
I need that belly of living waters.


See being alone and being lonely are too very different things

Anywhoo

Tired
Physical fatigue we can all handle with rest,get a massage,soak,
But what do u do when you are mentally exhausted?
it’s your mind now

when u get tired of being sick and tired

Tired like Elijah in the cave tired,tired like Moses to point of hitting the rock,tired like Jonah to the point of not going to Nineveh,tired like Paul to ask for the thorn to be removed,…3 times.
Tired like Jesus in garden when he begs

lLet this cup pass me by

Nevertheless your will ABBA FATHER

And as we stand never let us be too:-

Hungry angry lonely tired

Wedding,moving home and a baby

“3 most stressful things in life are getting married,moving home and having a baby” –survey

I can officially say that I am tired,mentally drained to the point of exhaustion,emotionally pulled and tagged in all directions,my patience tried in ways I never thought possible,my resilience tested beyond grounds,my tolerance levels challenged.

But hey that’s what u get with wedding,moving home and a baby

One down 2 to go, you know life will come with it’s challenges but this wow!! I never saw this one.Attempting all 3 at one time will overwhelm you I don’t know what I was thinking.

Allow me a little background if u will.
My getting married was about time,now due to the nature of my work I am the more flexible one besides my other half makes more than I do anyway so the logical thing to do was to move home to a new continent all together, in any case the wedding plans started to come up as did family and friends who wished to “help”(who knew so many relations could ve so many opinions??)

And the fun began,ideas,how do we keep everybody happy,suggestions,not one night has gone by that we didnt argue coz this relative wanted this or that relative wanted that.Venues menus colours OMGosh, I feel like ……………Turquoise&Fuscia

Now comes the moving:- my other half had to do most of the paying,after all am new to the country I don’t know what’s what and you know I need a little time to get things moving …..bla bla…..anyway we find this beautiful place and it’s gorgeous even by my high standards I approve.But wait the guilt.I feel bad when she leaves for work feel bad when am having a shower coz she paid for the electric and she even got me a gym membership and a library card…
Hello is this normal I feel bad walking on the carpet,I feel bad reaching in the fridge, the Playstation has been off for weeks.
Worst part is the emptiness when she goes to work “all by myself”

Now the baby talk,we already agreed that I would work from home and she would go back to her career,now I don’t know,,,,,I feel bad enough right now,I ve loads of nieces and nephews,cousins …I am black after all,so I can raise a baby.(it does take a village to raise one and I well …..never spent time in a village but the principle counts)I could be wrong.ANYWAY
But it’s this feeling am worried about
I ve attempted to plan a wedding,have moved home and I am drained.What will having a baby and be a stay and work at home Dad do to me?

Did I take on too much?

Help me here as I attempt to tackle the big 3:-

Wedding,moving home and a baby

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

Are you acting in faith,foolishness or presumption?Apostle Fredrick K C Price-

I remember reading this rather engrossing book which had practical teaching on walking with God,this was a while ago and for some reason a few days back I found myself with yet more questions but only this time they reflected what I had read in this book.

It then dawned on me that perhaps I too needed to ask myself if I was practical enough in my approach to God.Now hear me properly I realise the fact that this walk isn’t meant to be practical but let’s also recognise the importance of right believing.

Often we get discouraged and disappointed when things do not go our way but of course this a natural human reaction.Looking deeper into this condition of discouragement and disappointment I have found that mostly we get here because of our source of belief.
Stay with me now.
If your source of belief is incorrect to begin with then obviously your end result( the thing you are hoping for/wish to transpire) will not be that which u want (incorrect).

The question then becomes what is your source of belief because your source of belief will influence your belief system which will in turn will shape into and become what you believe in which in turn will be the basis/base of either your disappointment and discouragement or your gratification and encouragement.

Now we can further then expand and ask,that what are your beliefs or believe system based on? Is it :-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

I then measure myself because before I knew God and Jesus I was doing some questionable immoral down right dirty shameful corrupt things.Often people would ask how I could live with myself and I just replied iconically “with 2 girlfriends and a dog,how you living?”……………that was a joke!
But on a serious note in situation like this if someone who gave up this kind of lifestyle to follow God and his word and Jesus’s promise of abundant life he or she will indeed have an expectation.
When I read the Old Testament it’s full of promises and revelation and it all came to pass.Jesus was revealed from the old into the New Testament to the point that he conquered death ai ai ai!!!So I know that his word is true!
And I know he promised me the best.

The struggle then becomes when my expectations are not met,this where the revelatory moment came to me in form of a question as thus;“are you believing and operating in”:-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

In an illustration of the power of expectation: any man who has met a lady,you start calling her on Mon,tue,wed thru to Friday and miss sartuday.When you call on Sunday I can guarantee you half if not three quarters of the conversation will be about you explaining why you didn’t call her on sartuday.
If after 5 days she has an expectation from you,what more me? One who has been waiting 5 weeks/5 months/5 years………….oh help me lord.

Faith
The substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.Blessings Released to us by the grace of God are thus: according to his will and purpose in our lives for the glorification of his name and restoration of the kingdom.

Foolishness

(i)Lacking or exhibiting a lack of good sense or judgment; silly: foolish remarks(ii)Resulting from stupidity or misinformation; unwise: a foolish decision(iii)Arousing laughter; absurd or ridiculous: a foolish grin.
(iv)Immoderate or stubborn; unreasonable: foolish pride; foolish love(v)Embarrassed,Insignificant; trivial.

Presumption
(i)an idea that is taken to be true on the basis of probability(ii)the acceptance of something as true although it is not known for certain(iii)audacious (even arrogant) behavior that you have no right to.

For me on the basis on what you are operating on and belief system you fall into measures your disappointment&discouragement or your encouragement&gratification.

So on this day are you in

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

From the hot……….into the cold.

So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.-Rev 3 v 16-

Notice then this warrior of The Lord,gifted and equipped to carry the word,anointed,spirited full of faith and no seed of doubt.He is in fact hot for God.
Since being in this state and exhibiting the fruit of the spirit and displaying the spiritual gifts,condemnation always sets it when a lukewarmness starts to display,kind of like am not really bothered about this,I am neither here nor there, let what comes come,being complacent,in the middle like.

For being lukewarm symbolises comfort I do not wish to be comfortable in my mess.
Not just because I do not like it only, but also that it displeases my Heavenly Father to the point that he wishes to “spew” me out.In the original Greek it’s vomit, modern day equivalent puke,sick……….I would rather be cold than have God be sick of me.

It then brings me to the early conclusion that cold is my only option for I am not hot for him not because I lost my faith (that could never happen am too far gone) but rather because by measuring myself I feel I am not quiet fit to fight this war for the mean time.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
Who can know it?I the Lord, search the heart,I test the mind,Even to give every man according to his ways,according to the fruit of his doings.
Jer 17 v 9-10-

How can I then hide from the very one that searches my very heart and tests my very mind?
I cannot.

He is after all the Alpha&Omega he is the very word that we finish with in prayer,which is amen(the last word).
So how can I then pretend I am something I am not to whom that I can not hide my core nature to.
A word of warning to the hypocrites you deceive yourselves and fellow man but not God.Our father will spew you out.That was from a place of love by the way.

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. -Eph 6 v 11-

As a warrior I compare myself to the modern day soldier fully equipped and armed,I also know that the country/kingdom I fight for is supposed to provide the training and gear for me to complete my task in the war and provide air support when the enemy attacks and overwhelms.
What do you do when you radio in your position and call for support and no jets or apache helicopter gun ships are showing up.
What you do you do then?
Compromise?

You see the word in itself wouldn’t so much bother the average comfortable BMW driving, loving husband/wife at home,good career,warrior.She or indeed he has backup and support in the physical for the war.
On the other hand ask the starving,cold and lacking lonely warrior who has reached the end of his/her wits,when quoting scripture isn’t aligning with his reality……step in his shoes and tell him not to compromise.

However as a soldier I realise that bad actions and behaviour on my part will shame my kingdom.So I therefore must remain honourable and stand in integrity.Anything short is unacceptable and I will face court martial/judgement for my actions.

It is now my last updated conclusion that this warrior steps down,that he discharges himself from this battle for I would rather be cold than lukewarm.Either be cold or hot.

I choose to be cold,perhaps when I shiver and in the dark it will bring me back to the place where it’s hot.Since lukewarm is not an option I am forced to step into the cold.
I hereby discharge myself with the little honour I have left.I am not retired,just not renewing my contract,when the kingdom deems me ready then I shall be reinstated.
For now I feel ill equipped to fight this battle.

From the hot………into the cold.

Identity crisis… …….who are you?

“He is 29,an entrepreneur,former day trader,father of zero,married to ………., he is from London,he has issues,he is crazy,immature….” -people-

Notice then that this is how people who know you describe you to other people.

It then becomes curious that since we identify ourselves by how other people describe us,we then begin to form an identity of ourselves based on how other people see us and not how we see ourselves.

I then begin to understand the importance of association.Let me break it down:- being lucky enough to be with a woman who builds you up instead of breaking you down is key.My other half refuses to see the negative aspects of me and my failures,a fact that she just reminded me of (funny I never saw this before),though I have tried this woman she yet remains strong ….I never knew how lucky I was until……….

Anywhoo I then realise that the definition of myself has been solely based on the opinions of the people around me.
My sisters always have a way of building me up and often times when I have done something which disappoints them I find that I too am disappointed.The same is true for my mum and dad.
This then means that the people who you think are important to you in your life,thier opinion matters to you to the point that your identity start to form around their opinions of you.

I hope I haven’t lost you here…stay with me now.

The danger is then in taking opinions of negative people who you think are important to you.
It’s easy not to care when someone says a negative thing about you when you already know they don’t like you anyway,they “haters” and “I don’t have time for that”, “am not the one” that don’t bother you so much.
But the issue comes in when someone pretends to like you when they really hate you and you think their opinions come from a place of love but it’s all coming from a hateful place and u begin to form an identity around this and their opinions.

It’s funny,these people will be picking their teeth after they have had thier pound of flesh from you,please bring me a word of comfort,speak medicine and life into my soul ….am already getting here,but you full.

The issue of mid life crisis
as best described by my friend http://dietrying999.wordpress.com Brings me to a revelation as to what happens.Essesiantialy it is the opinion of those around you and the media that tells you that your hair is receding and the belly is getting bigger and the energy isn’t what it used to be …,you are having a mid life crisis ah!! the power of suggestion which I would further describe as an

Identity crisis………who are you?

I just wonder who influences your identity? who do you let define who you are?

It’s often those who are around us,in a subtle way this happens and before you know it you are defined in a certain way :-

Young,beautiful,successful,intelligent,witty,clever smart,rich,driven,loving,kind,cheerful.

Or

Old,grumpy,hateful,liar,fat&ugly,crazy,foolish,idiotic,failure, etcetera

And before you know it you start to believe this and miss your destiny and abandon your dreams.

I present this to you
You are not your job,not your family,not your issues,not where you live or where you are from,you are not what you do.But most importantly you are not who they say you are.
Take control take charge of your life,no ones knows you better than you .They are not there when you are crying yourself to sleep or when you are about to jump off a bridge or when you sit alone in a dark empty room and wonder “how did I get here?”
Your opinion about yourself should be what shaped your identity not anyone else’s.

If you can’t shut them up,shut them out.

Your life is your own be mindful of how you walk it.You cannot tell me how to walk my walk, I ll take your advice but in the end this is my walk my destiny.

Stop being handled and handle your life,the most tragic thing is living a lie that someone professed on your life.

So today I ask you who are you listening to? who is influencing your life? Or should I say who are you allowing to influence you?

Identity crisis …… ………who are you?

As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.

Ur woman; a helper or hindrance? What do you do when the other half is a Haggar?

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And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.Gen 2 v 18

So it is then established that it is not good for man or woman to be alone,but wait a minute now why is it so often that the very half that we can’t live without is often the very half that influences us to do well let’s just say that which we would not do had we stayed in and watched a football game with the boys,or had we golfed it.I of course am speaking from a male point of view which being one isn’t so hard.

Curious then that when I look around me I see most marriages/relationships that your doom/absolve lies in who you end up with.

Now don’t get me wrong here but in his quest for man to find a wife he most often finds a knife.

Notice I said quest meaning the journey to marriage which covers all relationships in general.In my pondering while looking at my own life,friends,colleagues and history itself the biggest downfall of a man has always been a woman! Oh I feel something here.Wars were started, entire cities fell,blood brothers killed eachother,credit scores ruined all because of this beautiful creature called a woman, I need some help here.

As men we should know better but we don’t,check this out;

Eve: influenced Adam to bite the fruit.

Sarah:influenced Abram to have Ishmael and She even laughed at God once.

Jezebel: well had some influence on her husband’s relentless pursuit and killing of prophets.

Job’s wife:told him to curse God and die.

Helen of Troy: Greek mythology so beautiful her abduction brought on the Trojan war.

Cleopatra:her beauty was equally marched with her conquest of strong and powerful men.

Your ex/ current other half:………….

It then occurs to me that a man’s success and happiness is as determined by the woman in his life.Coz look if your woman is willing to overgo a couple of extravagant Christmases so that the business can do well in year 1 then you have been lucky indeed and she will be smiling all the way to the shoe shop later on.
Conversely I have seen a few men whose credit score has been ruined,the business has disappeared,others are working just as hard trying to keep 2 families afloat for once divorced and remarried one has 2 families he just doesn’t get to see the other one much if at all.

It is my conclusion then that a woman is this powerful,beautiful,God laughing,serpent speaking(what was eve thinking anyway talking to a snake?) influential man pulling creature.A kryptonite if you will,which has the ability to bring even super-man to his knees.

This then makes me wonder for when I look at Sarah though she was the ideal one still had her faults but when I look at Haggar she is the one you are attracted to for all the wrong reasons but just can’t seem to help yourself,and this always ends badly (for you the man that is) there is always a price to pay turmoil,emotional pain,financial pain,spiritual and even mental anguish to physical pain at times (or most times lol, depends)

So the question is and still remains ……

……a woman:a helper or a hindrance and what do you do when your other half is a Haggar?

What do you do when God won’t let you die

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!” 1 kings 19 v 4

Anyone had a “I’d like to die moment?” I know I have.

Notice Elijah a powerful instrument of God,drained,depressed and broken down in the desert and asking God to let him die.

Upon reflection on the promise of heaven and how glorious it is,my somewhat dingy moment I have come to the conclusion that I want to go to Jesus.This earth is treacherous,evil and cold and I would rather be home.But I realise that for this to happen I must therefore die,in this I know my life is a gift from God hence not my own so then I can’t end it myself,I must seek permission from he who gave me this gift……..oh I feel something here.

I cry to The Lord “father am tired,am wiery, let me come home,this life take it away!,I can’t take anymore

And he says no,your work hasn’t even begun yet.My my my, Am in trouble here.

What do you do when God won’t you let you die?

See this isn’t just a momentary thing Elijah had done wondrous things and if he wanted to die a strong prophet like him, what more me? Somebody help me here!

What do you do when God won’t let you die?

But wait….

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.
psalms 8 v 4-5

This makes me look into my purpose again I must be here for a reason if he didn’t let Elijah die ….and if he didn’t let me die……and if he didn’t let you die ……… Oh ya all don’t hear me.

What do you do when God won’t let you die?

What do you do when God says marry a prostitute

Reading the Old Testament can be heavy reading though illuminating and none is more so than the book of Hosea in which Hosea’s marriage is used as a symbolic synonymous thing to the situation with Israel at the time around 772 BC.

 

Hosea was a Prophet who among other things was directed to marry a, lets just say. not a very faithful woman.He subsequently divorces her for infidelity and goes about his business preaching and prophesying.Having been separated from her husband she has got herself into more mess somewhere doing what she does best.And one day Hosea is just minding his own as one does he hears from the lord again;”Hey hosey,you know that ex wife of yours? the one that was always running around on you? yeah her,well look here go get  her back and not only that you got to pay top dollar for her as well“. whooo!!! whoah!!! I mean back up a little bit here,today thats the equivalent of buying your no good ex from her pimp and on top of that we learn Hosea took the decision not to be intimate with her(there is a point to why I mention this).

 

what do you do when God says marry a prostitute,really, let that sink in for minute,…………..no longer than that,I said a minute let that sink in and settle for a little bit.

 

The scripture says: 

The Lord said to me, “Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another man and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes.”So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley, Then I told her, “You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.” Hosea 3v1-3 

I know that most of this has to do with Israel and what was going on at the time  and that Hosea’s marriage was symbolic to what was going on at the time. God was using each stage to show how Israel had been unfaithful and how he would eventually restore them,however I wonder what Hosea must have been going through at this point.The people talking behind his back and all that stuff I mean the situation must have been hell for him, well,I am sure you can imagine.

 

It wasn’t until I notice something that amazed me.You and Me. We,us are infact the prostitute. Being bought back.Ah yes, that changes things a little bit doesn’t it?For the longest time we have  been Redeemed by God and Restored so many times,from situations in our lives that in each time we ended up by fault of our own,whether by bad decisions,chose to let bad people into our lives and at times fallen victim to evil people that turned our lives upside down.

In the midst of hurt and pain he still comforts us,nursing us back to health slowly but surely,replacing the stuff we lost along the way as we go,promising us hope and a good future if only as the prostitute we return back to him,this is a choice we are given,she could have stayed but she chose not to,she was wise enough to return to one who even if she done him wrong so many times,he was still willing to spend coin and crop to get her back home.

That is God for you,will you not turn and return to him?even in our unfaithfulness he remains faithful.

 

Redemption:  

The process of the verb below ;

Redeem (i) to save someone from sin, error, or evil. (ii)gain or regain possession of something in exchange for payment.

Restoration:

The act of returning something to a former owner, place, condition or state.

Often in the bible this meant not just bringing it back to the original but better,if you stole something you had to pay back more in value that was the process of restoration and  the principle remains the same.

 

Worth noting that when (Gomer ) Hosea’s wife was bought back she was told that the very thing she thought would be used to pay back her husband with(the primary thing at least) he was not interested in.I am sure with her character and mindset the only curreny she had to bargain with was her feminine charm, or so she thought.But she was shown otherwise, (won’t God change your life?)  who does that remind you of??   wanting to earn God’s goodness,news flash you ain’t got it and even if you did,he don’t want it.

 

I am hoping by now the answer is obvious but still I ask

What do you do when God says marry a prostitute?