As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.

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The wiseman,the ex and the six locks.

“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning”        -Clint Eastwood- 

This is the man who is dirty harry,he was blondie the baddest gunslinger in wild west,he protected the president in.In the line of fire and he even trained the million dollar baby,and if he said this then what hope is there for the average man?

“you feeling lucky punk? well do ya?” 

Anywhoo! This weekend I was helping out a friend move some stuff out of storage.since I was there he just took the opportunity to pick up other bits he had stored up at another household in the vicinity.Upon arrival I recognized the neighborhood and I had a funny feeling of which home we were heading to, it belonged to one of the wisemen who has since sadly after  my last post  get it right the first time  here has separated from his other half.(and no it wasn’t coz of me or my posts at least I hope not 😦 we were all shocked).

My nervousness was due to the fact that our last encounter with her wasn’t pretty at all,she was understandably upset it was a difficult time for her, chucking her husband out and throwing a few things out behind him.

To my surprise she welcomed us with open hands with a smile underneath all that hurt.I could tell I have seen a hurting woman or two in my lifetime,but what captured me was her transformation she was calm and collected for which I gave  her credit for and I just assumed  during that time everything was overheated.

Fast forward a few hours later I was getting ready to be heading home,my friend told me he had forgotten something,reluctantly I agreed to go back with him and there it was. Chaos, a fight brewing,the wiseman had returned to pick up some of his belongings he had left behind and lets just say it was not a pretty sight.She was completely transformed into something else clearly his presence had changed her entirely.We left.

On the drive back “did you notice the extra locks on the door?” I asked my friend trying to lighten the mood.“yeah” he went “you know she must not feel safe being alone in such a big house,and people know she is alone there so…”

“Yes bra, but there must’ve been about 6 of those things, think that was for him?” I responded to him.

“well she is smart,she probably only locks each other lock in the row and since they are 6 of them,  whoever is trying to pick them  will be locking the other unlocked ones and tada  unsuccessful”  he joked, of course he must have stolen that somewhere but his delivery  was timeless I couldn’t help but laugh after the joke had sank.

This really got me thinking about separations and the bitterness that follows between couples.In my experience its usually the woman’s choice that forces the man out the house or decide to break the relationship up. Seldom has it been the man’s choice.

Of course my observations are merely reflecting on the things I see around friends,colleagues,acquaintances,relations,the community at large etc etc  and being a man I would like to share my confusion from a male perspective.

Let me just say I am condoning any kind of abuse if the woman decided to take such measures to protect herself she is obviously justified or for whatever reason,he was lazy,she just wasn’t happy,the love was gone, hey could be a million reasons I am not interested in that,what interests me is the reaction in the aftermath.

The fact is women are more angry and the more bitter and emotional and uncivil, in-agreeable and not amicable at all.I do not mean to offend or generalize.Of course some men are as equally bad but they are mainly spiteful in their hurt.Thats not to excuse them.

I see men as simple creatures for the most part, a man in a relationship if its good,even if nothing else in his life is right,he still feels like his whole world is complete. There could be a 10.5 earthquake outside and they wouldn’t worry, after all I am in love with a good woman.

We learn to keep our mouths shut generally and we will open  doors,of course this is when we realize you were Miss Right when we met and we thought you would be Mrs Right only you forgot to mention your first name was always.  

But often men will stick around though the situation is difficult, its a better the devil you know the kind of  thing where you stay in your mess as long as you know what to expect,than be in a position where you have left and do not know what to expect on the outside world.

Yes conflict will always arise some great writers observed that:

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Honoré de Balzac. 

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Guitry.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out.

Michel de Montaigne 

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. (lol)

Zsa Zsa Gabor  (okay okay this one is an actress.)

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

H.L Mencken

Indeed falling in love and having a relationship are very too different things.And the secret to a happy marriage remains a secret,and behind every man, great or not, is a woman rolling her eyes.The advice then given to me by my mentor in college  not to get married soon afterwards as he explained it at the time “every perspective employer would see how prone to making mistakes you are seeing as you have made a major one already”.

Truth is people change and forget to tell eachother about it.My thoughts are further confirmed by Oscar Wilde who said:

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

 

I need some help here, why so angry when in fact it was your choice in the first place ?

Where is the hostility coming from?

Why do you hate me so much? You are not the only one hurting here.

Now I love you all my sisters out there, but sometimes your gender confuses me.

 

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher

Socrates. 

I suppose most are doomed to becoming philosophers, in the meantime I sit here confused as I wonder about;

the wiseman,the ex and the six locks.

 

Get it right the first time round.

On typical cold somewhat gloomy  winter afternoon in the North of England I found myself at a family gathering. Pleasantries are exchanged,and I heard over to the manpit where the fire is along with barbecue stand.

I look around me there is food good conversation going I am surrounded by the 7 wisemen all fairly older than myself relations of some sort and something struck me, I was the only one among them not married……..yet.Why that was significant I have no idea and perhaps its not but nonetheless the thought came to me.

This lead me to something I always wondered,what truly really made their marriages work?They all seemed fairly happy and interacted well with their respective other halves, so me being the questioning kind I thought I’d ask,and the answer I got  somehow shocked me. One of them to me plainly ” GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOU GET ALONG WITH AND NOT SOMEONE YOU LOVE” I stood there for a few minutes as they took it in turns churning out advice and to my surprise most of them agreed with this train of thought.

Now this got me thinking.I can attest to ever loving 2 females (I mean the real thing) and I must say the feelings were  too pure and intense I mean you now when you know in fact about 10 years went by before I could the feel that way again  even though I was seeing other people in between,so yeah I  kinda know what love feels like and what it doesn’t.

Now here is the problem,the ones that you do Love you cant get along with.Just cant seem to happen.2 hrs  and you ready to kill eachother.

And yet the ones that,that feeling is missing, it  is just effortless and can hardly remember when your last fight was, of course you do have your occasional little disagreements that’s bound to happen 2 different personalities cannot always agree on stuff,but I am sure you can make a distinctions on the levels of conflict an chaos.

Some things I disproved along the way:

Love conqures all;- no it doesnt.

Love eachother strong enough you will work it out:- no you won’t.

If you Love something let it go and if returns  …Blah blah ….please!!!do me a favour.

All you need is Love …….right right.

 

Now of course this is based purely on observation and some,(and empasis on some experience)which makes me wonder if the wisemen had a point.It was some thing to think about on the long drive down.Normally I wouldn’t take this kind of approach I always had a belief that love will happen when it does but with where I am right now I dont know,what if they were right? Its kind of hard to argue with the facts and history.Or perhaps its something only men will admit to?

I just strongly believe in getting married once,and this is just a personal view,the history I have had, of course,lets just say if I had gotten round to getting married  I would have been divorced at least once or maybe more than once but that is irrelevant its just serving a point that I realise things do go wrong and I am not knocking divorcees.Needless to say my life is a little different now values change and so do aspirations and desires,and when it comes to marriage I just want to get it right the first time around.