As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.

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………….but God

But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. -Joseph-

I do not think there is anybody out there who has questioned more about the things that happen in my life and thier significance.If anyone of you have read any of my post you may feel the conflict,the hurt,the confunsion,the crazyness the …….

Last couple of years have been challenging to say the least for me I experienced personal loss in any and possibly every aspect of my life.I lost people dear to me (death etc),finances,career,business,you name it I have lived it.The only thing I haven’t lost yet is my health and my mind though questions may be raised to the latter.

Its funny though I have been reflecting on how exaclty I got to this point in my life.Upon further investigation I realised that it wasn’t so much how? when? who? what? wherefore? … but why?
And then I found the answer to this wonderful question.All this time I just was wondering running around quite the headless chicken.And the answer was right under my nose.
Dont you just love it when it all comes together!!!!

The reason I have had a hard time these years is ………..drum roll………I dont know.
I do not know.

What I know is that throughout all this I have had a but God moment.
Everyone has something in them that will not allow them to give up or give in.No matter what your beliefs are. I know everybody beleives in a higher power of some kind.

I find it funny,remember the last time you hit that little toe on the door? hurt like hell didn’t it? whose name did you call out to? or that time you were stuck in traffic and late for work you went Oh my …..

Anyway whatever your beleifs its not important, I just saw something through my tough times,I had a but God moment.Looking deeper I saw several times/situations when & where things could have gotten worse but they didn’t.These were things out of my control and there was really nothing I could do to change the trajectory,something in me just knew that it was not my doing.
Ever get the feeling you have a guardian angel?

I know another thing I was always afraid,and this fear was only visible to a perhaps only one or two people if that.On the outside everything was ok I was happy,smilling,laughing, but going to bed was a different matter all together.I was constantly afraid of loosing it all.All that which I thought had value and I couldn’t live without.And guess what? It happened.

Murphy’s law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.-wikipedea-

As a person of faith I beleive that no matter what happens to me I will be okay,…in the end.I just thought it important to take a minute and recognise the omg moment of our lives,am talking about that moment in your life where its all going wrong and you are saying if one more thing goes wrong today …“I dont know what am gonna do”.Then something unexpected positive happens.

No matter what your personal beleifs are I am sure we have all had this moment.
Whether you credit to the Easter bunny,the tooth fairy,Zeus,budha it doesn’t really matter the moment was there regardless.

For me living without fear has allowed me to rebuild my life into that which was better before,and the pun is I can see better results in my efforts now than there ever was last 10 yrs put together.Am I back where I was before?of course not I am heading to a better place. I am in a much better place than before I have a sense of peace I never had before.And that alone was worth the price of admission.I have learnt to value that which matters the most.

I wish I could tell you there is a reason why all this stuff happens, I don’t know that.
I wish I could tell you its an easy time going through transformation I would be lying…it hurts.
I wish I could tell you you wont be confunsed,but you will be,even more so than before its a process.

All I can say is keep going,when you are in a desert keep walking.Nothing lasts forever.No matter what life throws at you,even and especialy the bad negative bits,though they were meant for evil…………………..

……………………………..but God.

God ain’t your grand daddy

Grand Pa the kind loving figure,who always has a gift for you,cuddles you,tells you these amazing stories whilst sitting on his lap.Smells a bit funny but always feels safe in his arms.I remember my Grand dad,always felt protected around him he could even defend me against my parents and they listened it was great.A certain familiarity,able to shape him and perhaps manipulate him a bit with a smile.

Recently a post caught my eye in passing and I was engaged .Now this was a writer who wears their heart on their sleeve,more like myself probably why I was attracted to their content in the first place.The more I read the more I related to them,what was interesting though was how they had managed to twist the image of God to fit around a fix for the troubles they faced.It was apparent they wanted to have things their way and when that didn’t go the way they thought  excuses were made for God as to why he didn’t meet their expectations , Scriptures were quoted out of context to fit the results hoped for.

I mean this thing read like a blueprint for God to follow in fixing  the challenges of their life.

Then I had a  Luke 15v20 And when he came to himself…… I had a moment of truth

Beating the Pharisees at their own righteousness game:  Matt 5 v 20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.

I was ashamed of myself at how judgemental I was and how self righteous I had been.My perfect self, roaming around passing judgement on others,how dare I?Then I read some of my own writing and oh boy that did it.It was time to confess. I was being hypocritical.

Later on I started to think, I mean really think, on how I react to my own trials,it was a time to have a sit down with my black handsome self and have a little chat.

In my trials I went from being SELF RIGHTEOUS which then gave me a sense of SELF ENTITLEMENT which only served  to get me into the WILDERNESS and the length of time in this dry place promoted my PRIDE and in the end after not getting my way and what I wanted, I was just angry,angry,angry  ANGER. 

In Steps my:

SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS:My judgement of others led me to believe that I was somehow better than others.After all I never put God in a box,I am strong,a lesser man would have blown his brains up,look at this fella crying here if he only knew what I am up under in here,I am still worshipping in the midst of my trial really Limbiley? I mean really?

SELF ENTITLEMENT:My established notion of being “better” made me special right off,so I am owed   something,meaning I could pick and choose the blessings I want after all I am better and owed something,a reward is due to me for being good, mmmhhhh!!!! But God don’t owe you nothing( excuse the lingo).

THE WILDERNESS: Imagine my surprise when ended up in here,oh the dryness,the heat,the vultures picking at my beat up flesh,thorns on my sides,oh ya all don’t know what am talking about.This was the bareness of trying to do things my way and the symbol of the desert like condition of my soul.A complete reflection and oh did it mirror my state of affairs.
 

IN A PROUD STATE:

my refusal to be apologetic

my refusal to be humble

my refusal to be ashamed of my failed self efforts

my refusal to take responsibility of such failed efforts (it wasn’t me)

my refusal to see what I was doing wrong.

 

THEN THE ANGER: The result of the proud person in me not getting the thing they wanted,not getting my way.I must have thought I was Sinatra.Now I am just mad and bitter.

I believe most of us go through these stages in our lives,when we think God ought come and pull us out,and why has he allowed this to happen?oh Bless me Lord!!fix my husband Jesus,I put this boss of mine in your hands heavenly father,God!!!!I bless my enemies!!! really saints? I mean really?Foaming at the mouth and throwing fits,all up in tears all emotional,hear my cry oh Jehovah!!!!

The trouble with us believers is believing that OUR TROUBLES OBLIGATE GOD when they in fact  do not.

That’s right YOUR TROUBLE DOES NOT OBLIGATE GOD.Now he will get you out but you got  to recognize its all because of JESUS and God’s GRACE (john 1v15-17) .Its through God’s GRACE that anything good happens to us.We live in an evil world full of evil things and evil situations inhabited by people that do evil.Evil is all around us. Eph 5v15-16 Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

By GRACE you were saved through faith,not by your works,undeserved & unmerited, not your doing Eph 2v8.

By GRACE you are able to cry to God and make your petitions known through prayer.

By GRACE you are able to do great signs and wonders like Stephen in Acts  6v8.    

By GRACE you are strengthened in your weakness.It is when his power is made perfect in weakness 2 cor 2v8-9.    

 

 

I could go on.This is the right dose of  reality and truth needed for our approach to God for a fruitful 2014.Just what the Doctor ordered.Get what you really need and not what you want.Get wisdom and in your getting get understanding.Live stress free and content and have confidence in approaching God the right way.Most of all have the proper attitude and reverence.  

 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Heb 4v16 

Just Remember GOD AIN’T YOUR GRAND DADDY.

What do you do when the other half doesn’t get the memo?

THEY SAY A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS
Please observe the images below as a man regardless of his status in the world talks to another woman a little too much while the other half is present.

Yes,yes she gets “the look” (middle picture) and the man changes seats.
I find it very interesting that regardless of who we are in the world,we all are faced with similar issues and if any men are out there you know once that she has “that look” oh!! you better change seats and shut your mouth and even though you live in the white house soon as you get home you in the dog house.

On a my last post I had great insights that raised more questions that it answered but nonetheless a few were answered and revelation was brought.

ITS NOT ABOUT YOU ALL YOU CAN IS LOVE.ITS NOT ABOUT YOU BUT ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GET OUT OF IT BUT RATHER WHAT YOU CAN PUT INTO IT.

Now all these are noble statements ones that I have churned myself and heard and admired.Nobility,.. yes,yes to be noble.

Then further into my quest in the cyberworld I came across this:
“WHEN SOMEONE MAKES YOU SUFFER IT IS BECAUSE THEY TOO SUFFER DEEPLY WITHIN THEMSELVES AND THEIR SUFFERING IS SPILLING OVER.THEY DO NOT NEED PUNISHING,THEY NEED HELP THIS IS THE MESSAGE THEY ARE SENDING”

Now here, if I am in this situation this then puts me in a position open to abuse and toxicity,for I cannot truly stand in this commotion and not be scaved somehow.Sooner or later I will get marked and my attempts to diffuse the negativity with positivity are more likely to be taken advantage of and mistaken for stupidity and weakness birthing the results of more sufferings on my part,consequently the message I am trying to send has been lost in translation and misconstrued completely.
Funny how easily this happens I am sure most of us have been guilty of this countless times.

I then realise the primary source of our confusion is we send the message hoping the other half will understand and extrapolate the contents of the message there sent and though it may not be in written form,the fact that we have a bond and a relationship it is then a form of communication that by any rights is legally,emotionally, verbally and gesticulatory binding, yes, yes, hence a memo of sorts.

Now what do you do then when the other half doesn’t get the memo?
For years you have been pouring out, giving your all,sacrificing,being there, supporting,understanding and now you are tired,the easy is answer is hang in there but you are tired of hanging in and on,sick and tired of being sick and tired.And your problems got problems of their own.I am hoping a wiser person will come to the rescue here,(not to me personally BTW its all good ATM 😉 of course status of such is subjected to change after this post lol, hope not).
But in all seriousness I wish I could find the answer to this doomer of relationships.
The answer right now is I DONT KNOW hence the question:
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE OTHER HALF DOESN’T GET THE MEMO?

Inspired by the following lovely bloggers in our interactions:

dietrying999.wordpress.com This lady reminds me so much of my elder sister its shocking, inspiring lady.

ecc714.wordpress.com My main man MAO poet at heart God loving warrior.

freedomborn.wordpress.com Lovely&Strong and wise Christian couple from down under Aussie.

justmebeingcurious.com Newcastle supporter but we wont hold that against you.

askinsaneelaine.com Inspiring blog full of life

The Last Samurai

I was only a long train journey today and found myself just staring out the window.For some reason this movie came into my head,strange cause this first in 04 when it came out and the DVD is somewhere in storage.I am an extremely visual and auditory person and this has been rather problematic for those close to me for when I see a movie once or twice I will be reciting most of it,and that can be quite annoying or so I have been told.I don’t mean to do it but it just happens sometimes.

If you missed the movie somehow the plot is basically an American Captain who is haunted by what he has done on the battlefield and as a result he has a drinking problem,a functioning alcoholic of sorts.He is hired to train the Emperor’s soldiers in Japan as they are to fight against the Samurai.He then gets captured by the Samurai and brought back to their village and it is then that his journey starts.

Anyway,going through the movie in my head one scene among many others came to my mind was when Algren (Tom cruise’s character) was in talking to Katsumoto,the head of the samurai clan that had captured him.It went something like this:

Algren: [shouts] What do you want from me?
Katsumoto: What do you want for yourself?
This questions I have asked at times in my life frustrated with not getting any answers,thinking that God is holding me captive somewhere without me knowing what the purpose is.The more I saw the response the more light bulb went in my head.

Later on in the story Algren goes through a detox and was screaming for Sake (a Japanese alcoholic drink) and having nightmares,this was clearly a guy with demons,lets face it we all have a few of those.We see a little later slowly getting to peace with himself spiritually and mentally,he kept a diary, so a fellow blogger he was.He had this to say in it:
” This marks the longest I’ve stayed in one place since I left the farm at 17. There is so much here I will never understand. I’ve never been a church going man, and what I’ve seen on the field of battle has led me to question God’s purpose. But there is indeed something spiritual in this place. And though it may forever be obscure to me, I cannot but be aware of its power. I do know that it is here that I’ve known my first untroubled sleep in many years.”

Later on he writes:
“What does it mean to be Samurai? To devote yourself utterly to a set of moral principles. To seek a stillness of your mind. And to master the way of the sword.”

With each moment I was replacing what he was saying I instead asked “what does it mean to be a Christian?To devote yourself to a set of just morals and values.To renew your mind.And to master the Word of God.”
At this point he is suffering nightmares no more,the addiction is gone,he has finally found a measure of peace.

There are many great scenes and conversations between the two many characters,both learn from each other as evident in another conversation;
Katsumoto: You believe a man can change his destiny?
Algren: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.
At this point I am relating more and more that before I was merely doing what I could waiting on the Lord to reveal my destiny and my purpose to me,only I didn’t know it at the time.

The ending sees Algren meeting the Emperor who at this time has a change of heart and he knew Katsumoto who at this point has been killed in battle and I find this exchange interesting:
Emperor: Tell me how he died.
Algren: I will tell you how he lived.
Like most of us the Emperor was interested in the end,but it would seem to me that Algren had opened his eyes so to speak,renewed his mind and saw that its not the end (result) that matters more but the journey.

In our walk through life we have questions,we may be broken,in pain,lonely,lost,angry,confused,bitter,broke,in addiction(and I believe addiction is not the problem in itself there is always an underlying issue,look at the relapse rates trying to cure the addiction and not dealing with what’s causing it but that’s a post in itself in the future) whatever it is,the good news is that like you too can have an ending like Algren,though it maybe a bit hard to find a Samurai clan that will help deal with your issues.You could follow my example and try God,Free of charge and 24/7 365 support,and only one prayer away through Jesus.

Right before the end credits a narration
“As for the American Captain, no one knows what became of him. Some say that he died of his wounds. Others, that he returned to his own country. But I like to think he may have at last found some small measure of peace, that we all seek, and few of us ever find.”

Wow peace we seek but only a few us find.You too can be The Last Samurai.

Fighting an invisible enemy

FOR WE DO NOT WRESTLE AGAINST FRESH AND BLOOD, BUT AGAINST PRINCIPALITIES.

I would like to share a certain revelation I have had during my time away.
You know in life everything that has ever gone wrong or hasn’t gone the way we expected it to or anything that brought a result which was unpalatable,we assign blame to it.Whether be it a loved one,a colleague a boss,our pet,an acquaintance,the car broke down,she did this or he did that,it snowed outside,the train was late or maybe am just I am black 🙂 whatever it may be.Saddest thing most times we blame ourselves badly “or maybe I should’ve done this” or “if only I had done that” ………yada yada yada on on and on.

It is a fact then that as human beings we sort explanations and understanding of why things happen the way they do or why people act the way they do.But instead of trying to understand the person or the circumstance understand the root cause.See this thing is like a disease and you have to run a diagnosis.The signs and Symptoms are there and it is in part; all these people around you acting all crazy and being unreasonable,testing your patience,mistreating you all kinds of things,situations where you cant just get a break,everything is going wrong.
I then realised I have been treating the symptoms and been ignoring the disease.For years I had been taking Aspirin for the fever and the headaches instead of an antibiotic to fend of the infection.No wonder I was never healed. Temporary solutions to permanent problem.

Be vigilant; because your adversary,walketh about,seeking whom he may devour

No matter what position you hold the undeniable fact is we face struggles and situations we just cant at times understand.Are people just inherently evil? Does “stuff” just happen sometime? Do we reap what we sow?……………….so many questions can be asked but that does not really matter because whatever answers we come up with still will not address the issue,let alone help us in our circumstances and whatever issues we are faced with.
No matter where you go,whichever part of the world/city you may move to ,or no matter the new people you meet with, certain traits of people you no longer associate with (negative traits) will try to manifest in your new created associates.The very things you left behind seem to be popping up again only slightly differently flavoured and in a different colouring.But still the same engine underneath the hood.

My Eureka moment came to me here,I had I wasted so much time and energy focusing on the “people” around me (what they did,how wrong it was etc) and paid too much attention to my “circumstance”.My attention had been divided and I was getting conquered indeed.One of the oldest battle strategy.

You have to stop fighting people and holding grudges let it all go,accept the fact that people will violate your values and no matter how distasteful that may be its just a fact of life,and also recognise that your “values” are your own and not everybody will honour them just because you do.

Focus on the bigger picture.
The people around you are not the real true enemy no matter what has transpired (especially if its bad).People in your life are mere conduits brought about to either aid or thwart your destiny,you just have to figure out which and it gets clearer with each passing moment and times its clear from the beginning.Henceforth pick the fights cleverly and with wisdom,leave negative emotions like hatred,bitterness,blame,regret, behind they just weight you down. The signs&symptoms (ie people+situations,the bad decisions,bad luck,the wrongs and results thereof) don’t matter.THEY DO NOT MATTER.Waste no time fighting and worrying about these.Cure the disease not the symptom.

In the Journey that is life we will get sick several times,how will you go through yours?
Will it be with a myriad of untreated ailments?Or will you stop along the way getting healed as you go by.

Be smart when faced with the odds

in war the victorious strategist only seeks battle after the victory has been won, whereas he who is destined to defeat first fights and afterwards looks for victory.Sun Tzu

So dont just fight the good fight but pick the good fight which you will fight Especially when:
FIGHTING AN INVISIBLE ENEMY