Too scared to pray

“FEAR:- False Evidence Appearing Rear”-some wise guy-

Today it happened,I was Too scared to pray perhaps I am just tired of all these attacks and mishappenings or perhaps it’s just that every-time I get into prayer deeply then the devil shows up.

Curious then that during my wild days of partying,poker,brandy and cigars it all worked out.

One drove home drunk as a skunk and never once scratched his M3 or the powerful 420d

In any case it would seem that the minute I changed allegiances,afflictions followed.

Now am not scared just tired,see when u operate in your calling opposition comes but then so does provision.I just wonder now considering what I ve gone through,I see a way out, but then it’s not

Not the way The Lord has made,…No this is ME Limbiley.

See Jacob sceemed lied and got his own way ….he was a schemer,a con artist, he could lie, ” sounds like all men I know”

I too wrested with angels
I too painted the herd striped spotted
I too have been there,so I am Jacob

Besides if I had a hairy brother who would sell me his birthright for soup…..then u knw……

In any case I fear praying coz the bad has happened in the last few years just after I prayed,

Coz evil manifests better and quicker than the good and the holy,

So now am too scared to pray

Yet in my heart am still a Schemer and I ll negotiate myself out of this calamity coz all I know to do is this “survive or die”

So I will ……but now, I will won’t Die,and I won’t be scared,coz I change my mind.
Since I must live ….I will live and when I do live….

I will pray

And I ain’t

Too scared to pray anymore

And when I get up you gonna wish u killed me when u had the chance devil.

Coz now

I ain’t :-

Too scared to pray

Wedding,moving home and a baby

“3 most stressful things in life are getting married,moving home and having a baby” –survey–

I can officially say that I am tired,mentally drained to the point of exhaustion,emotionally pulled and tagged in all directions,my patience tried in ways I never thought possible,my resilience tested beyond grounds,my tolerance levels challenged.

But hey that’s what u get with wedding,moving home and a baby

One down 2 to go, you know life will come with it’s challenges but this wow!! I never saw this one.Attempting all 3 at one time will overwhelm you I don’t know what I was thinking.

Allow me a little background if u will.
My getting married was about time,now due to the nature of my work I am the more flexible one besides my other half makes more than I do anyway so the logical thing to do was to move home to a new continent all together, in any case the wedding plans started to come up as did family and friends who wished to “help”(who knew so many relations could ve so many opinions??)

And the fun began,ideas,how do we keep everybody happy,suggestions,not one night has gone by that we didnt argue coz this relative wanted this or that relative wanted that.Venues menus colours OMGosh, I feel like ……………Turquoise&Fuscia

Now comes the moving:- my other half had to do most of the paying,after all am new to the country I don’t know what’s what and you know I need a little time to get things moving …..bla bla…..anyway we find this beautiful place and it’s gorgeous even by my high standards I approve.But wait the guilt.I feel bad when she leaves for work feel bad when am having a shower coz she paid for the electric and she even got me a gym membership and a library card…
Hello is this normal I feel bad walking on the carpet,I feel bad reaching in the fridge, the Playstation has been off for weeks.
Worst part is the emptiness when she goes to work “all by myself”

Now the baby talk,we already agreed that I would work from home and she would go back to her career,now I don’t know,,,,,I feel bad enough right now,I ve loads of nieces and nephews,cousins …I am black after all,so I can raise a baby.(it does take a village to raise one and I well …..never spent time in a village but the principle counts)I could be wrong.ANYWAY
But it’s this feeling am worried about
I ve attempted to plan a wedding,have moved home and I am drained.What will having a baby and be a stay and work at home Dad do to me?

Did I take on too much?

Help me here as I attempt to tackle the big 3:-

Wedding,moving home and a baby

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

Are you acting in faith,foolishness or presumption?–Apostle Fredrick K C Price-

I remember reading this rather engrossing book which had practical teaching on walking with God,this was a while ago and for some reason a few days back I found myself with yet more questions but only this time they reflected what I had read in this book.

It then dawned on me that perhaps I too needed to ask myself if I was practical enough in my approach to God.Now hear me properly I realise the fact that this walk isn’t meant to be practical but let’s also recognise the importance of right believing.

Often we get discouraged and disappointed when things do not go our way but of course this a natural human reaction.Looking deeper into this condition of discouragement and disappointment I have found that mostly we get here because of our source of belief.
Stay with me now.
If your source of belief is incorrect to begin with then obviously your end result( the thing you are hoping for/wish to transpire) will not be that which u want (incorrect).

The question then becomes what is your source of belief because your source of belief will influence your belief system which will in turn will shape into and become what you believe in which in turn will be the basis/base of either your disappointment and discouragement or your gratification and encouragement.

Now we can further then expand and ask,that what are your beliefs or believe system based on? Is it :-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

I then measure myself because before I knew God and Jesus I was doing some questionable immoral down right dirty shameful corrupt things.Often people would ask how I could live with myself and I just replied iconically “with 2 girlfriends and a dog,how you living?”……………that was a joke!
But on a serious note in situation like this if someone who gave up this kind of lifestyle to follow God and his word and Jesus’s promise of abundant life he or she will indeed have an expectation.
When I read the Old Testament it’s full of promises and revelation and it all came to pass.Jesus was revealed from the old into the New Testament to the point that he conquered death ai ai ai!!!So I know that his word is true!
And I know he promised me the best.

The struggle then becomes when my expectations are not met,this where the revelatory moment came to me in form of a question as thus;“are you believing and operating in”:-

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

In an illustration of the power of expectation: any man who has met a lady,you start calling her on Mon,tue,wed thru to Friday and miss sartuday.When you call on Sunday I can guarantee you half if not three quarters of the conversation will be about you explaining why you didn’t call her on sartuday.
If after 5 days she has an expectation from you,what more me? One who has been waiting 5 weeks/5 months/5 years………….oh help me lord.

Faith
The substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.Blessings Released to us by the grace of God are thus: according to his will and purpose in our lives for the glorification of his name and restoration of the kingdom.

Foolishness

(i)Lacking or exhibiting a lack of good sense or judgment; silly: foolish remarks(ii)Resulting from stupidity or misinformation; unwise: a foolish decision(iii)Arousing laughter; absurd or ridiculous: a foolish grin.
(iv)Immoderate or stubborn; unreasonable: foolish pride; foolish love(v)Embarrassed,Insignificant; trivial.

Presumption
(i)an idea that is taken to be true on the basis of probability(ii)the acceptance of something as true although it is not known for certain(iii)audacious (even arrogant) behavior that you have no right to.

For me on the basis on what you are operating on and belief system you fall into measures your disappointment&discouragement or your encouragement&gratification.

So on this day are you in

Faith,foolishness or presumption?

From the hot……….into the cold.

So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.-Rev 3 v 16-

Notice then this warrior of The Lord,gifted and equipped to carry the word,anointed,spirited full of faith and no seed of doubt.He is in fact hot for God.
Since being in this state and exhibiting the fruit of the spirit and displaying the spiritual gifts,condemnation always sets it when a lukewarmness starts to display,kind of like am not really bothered about this,I am neither here nor there, let what comes come,being complacent,in the middle like.

For being lukewarm symbolises comfort I do not wish to be comfortable in my mess.
Not just because I do not like it only, but also that it displeases my Heavenly Father to the point that he wishes to “spew” me out.In the original Greek it’s vomit, modern day equivalent puke,sick……….I would rather be cold than have God be sick of me.

It then brings me to the early conclusion that cold is my only option for I am not hot for him not because I lost my faith (that could never happen am too far gone) but rather because by measuring myself I feel I am not quiet fit to fight this war for the mean time.

The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
Who can know it?I the Lord, search the heart,I test the mind,Even to give every man according to his ways,according to the fruit of his doings.– Jer 17 v 9-10-

How can I then hide from the very one that searches my very heart and tests my very mind?
I cannot.

He is after all the Alpha&Omega he is the very word that we finish with in prayer,which is amen(the last word).
So how can I then pretend I am something I am not to whom that I can not hide my core nature to.
A word of warning to the hypocrites you deceive yourselves and fellow man but not God.Our father will spew you out.That was from a place of love by the way.

Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. -Eph 6 v 11-

As a warrior I compare myself to the modern day soldier fully equipped and armed,I also know that the country/kingdom I fight for is supposed to provide the training and gear for me to complete my task in the war and provide air support when the enemy attacks and overwhelms.
What do you do when you radio in your position and call for support and no jets or apache helicopter gun ships are showing up.
What you do you do then?
Compromise?

You see the word in itself wouldn’t so much bother the average comfortable BMW driving, loving husband/wife at home,good career,warrior.She or indeed he has backup and support in the physical for the war.
On the other hand ask the starving,cold and lacking lonely warrior who has reached the end of his/her wits,when quoting scripture isn’t aligning with his reality……step in his shoes and tell him not to compromise.

However as a soldier I realise that bad actions and behaviour on my part will shame my kingdom.So I therefore must remain honourable and stand in integrity.Anything short is unacceptable and I will face court martial/judgement for my actions.

It is now my last updated conclusion that this warrior steps down,that he discharges himself from this battle for I would rather be cold than lukewarm.Either be cold or hot.

I choose to be cold,perhaps when I shiver and in the dark it will bring me back to the place where it’s hot.Since lukewarm is not an option I am forced to step into the cold.
I hereby discharge myself with the little honour I have left.I am not retired,just not renewing my contract,when the kingdom deems me ready then I shall be reinstated.
For now I feel ill equipped to fight this battle.

From the hot………into the cold.

Hypocritical christians and ur holy judgemental selves

“But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! –Jesus Christ-

I make no bones about it I am the first to admit my flaws as an individual,I don’t admit it as that I am proud of it or that I don’t want to address the issue and if your response to my addiction that I have struggled with is that I should simply “grow up” then I suggest to you that you are a fool and I don’t use that term lightly.

Because if you think that I simply enjoy what I do and am proud of it, and considering the age you are at, then you just an old fool.Granted you may have gone through struggles yourself but your struggle was your own and the way you overcame yours is not the same way I am to overcome mine.
Basically you are you and I am me.

Indeed I am guilty of being hypocrite myself based on the fact I don’t practice what I preach,but at least am honest about it.You are just a hypocrite.My character will evolve my issues will be overcome you on the other hand will always remain a hypocritical christian with ur judgemental holy self.

I wonder what makes the liar or proud or selfish self serving member of the church more “acceptable” than the drunk or the drug addict or the sex addict or the murder the gay ones oh don’t even go there leppers they are.
After all the “acceptable” ones either simply made a mistake or perhaps sometimes “things happen” and the others refuse to change, they love their sin,you and your judgemental selves.

You know it’s funny, different categories of sins and sinners and you are qualified to treat me as such……really?
I see alduters, liars, whole mongers,filthy talkers,gossipers,power lusting,money loving materialistic people in your very church.But ah!!thats acceptable isn’t it?
Good think you are saved otherwise I would simply tell you to go to hell.Not very holy of me but I know God is working on me,and have not acted as though I am or claimed to be,I hunger and aspire for it each day.

I know one thing for sure the same God you serve is the same God I have seen do wondrous things in my life.
I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.-Rev 3 v 8-
If you think your opinions, talks and attempts to contain me will move me,think again,I am at a position in my life where I trust no one but God to open doors for me, ones not even you,ones which especially you won’t can’t shut despite your best efforts.
Look at you and your religious self.

The power of my deliverance rests in Jesus,yes I am not perfect but the God I know uses the imperfect
Paul : killer of Christians
David: killed a man for his wife
Moses:killed a man in anger
Need I go on? granted they all were changed by God,but change is a process and they learned along the way cause God gave them a chance.If he can use a murder surely he will use the addict,the conflicted,the confunsed.And while these people will be delivered out of their bondages in Christ, you will always remain a

Hypocritical Christian with ur judgemental holy self.

I love you ………but sometimes!

“I thought she was an intruder when I shot through the door”–Oscar Pistorius-

This is the comment I heard this morning as I sat on the M1 sipping a coffee,as I reached for the radio while stuck in traffic.As gloomy as the morning is rainy typical of the UK the car is warm and comfortable,yes the Germans do indeed make good vehicles.But something does not sit well with me.Hearing about this case of the South African athlete who claims to have accidentally shot his girlfriend to death,something in me just doesn’t settle quite well.

But it’s more than that,I have in fact upset my other half,and every part of me feels it.

Let me just say as far as this case goes,I do not wish to speculate on this guy’s guilt or innocence,a family lost their daughter/sister/friend/niece and my heart goes out to them,in due time they will get the closure and justice but that still won’t replace the loss.

This just got me thinking as to why we hurt eachother and say hurtful and hateful things to one another that it drives us to the point that we can take a life.
Now I was going to walk into judgement and say “oh no not me” but then I recall some times when my frustration hits the roof and I need to take a “time out” not that I have anger issues but I do at times get angry,someone said to me once that if you don’t believe the devil exist next time you are acting crazy go look in the mirror quickly and you are sure to see one.

I love you……..but sometimes!

Perhaps it is my fault that I said something silly and have upset you,but still the passive aggression has to go.Often I will ask “baby what is wrong?” and I will get “nothing” when I know you are gearing up for payback.
Women have a subtle creative way of making you pay for your mistakes,for as any man knows when she looks at you like that,oh you in trouble and sooner or later you gonna pay.

I’d just rather we settled this right now,yes I am silly I am a man after all and we are not the smartest gender.I just wondered what posses people to enter into conflict with their other halves.I look around me and it’s everywhere,a couple arguing in the Que in the coffee shop,others clearly shouting at one another in the car (must be the traffic).

Oh help me here,I should be smarter than this,there is some grovelling to be done,only this time flowers aren’t going to cut it,I must admit I was wrong though I still feel she should have known better,that’s the struggle.

Now I love you ………….but sometimes!

As our days are …..so is our strenght

Its a cold pain,a chill you feel right in your bones -limbiley-

There is nothing more imaginable like the pain of loss,we have all lost things before but I doubt many appreciate the pain of loosing something that is connected to you.Your fresh and blood.That which is a part of you or at least could have been.

This weekend was beautiful,in the middle England on a cold Saturday morning a man treks through the cold weather with a bag on his shoulder,he has been away and she doesn’t expect him to return home just yet.He has managed to catch the 5:11 transport out just to be with her,if only for that weekend,upon arrival he then rings her and says “look out your window” and a joy spurns in his heart as he sees her red painted fingernails draw the curtains.Much of their day is spent in the shops and they get to meet family and friends,its a productive day.Later these two lovers in essence prepare for a Sunday service,as he irons her grey shirt he is greatful and thankful to heaven for not only the iron but for giving him someone to iron for,in matching suits they step out.All is well and it is good,its obvious the Love and peace is flourishing.

Fast forward a few hours later he must leave her again Because circumstance demands it,Now this is where it gets complicated.You see now on the transport back he gets a txt from a friend,this guy has a wife at home and she is expecting a child,and his txt is thus “i am at the hospital with the mrs” eagerly he answers back congratulating them,cos in essence the water broke and we should be welcoming a new life into the world.

He boast to his other half that he left behind and they jokingly but seriously wonder and consider when this will be them,celebrating and welcoming a new life of their own.

It is not until later that the friend messages back with the words “sorry mate,we lost him my son is gone” they suffered a miscarriage,at 8+ months.

At this point I know that there was a life kicking and very much alive but its gone now,my hopes are dashed and I end arguing with the very person who I was planning to share that experience with,she is my sarah,my other half,my promise,my meet from God, but still I am afraid, coz you see now am afraid of how its going to be should the very thing that happened to my friend happens to us.

He calls me later 0800 hours he seems okay and I admire his braveness,but deep down I know he is hurting,such pain cuts deep and its a chill that sets in the bones.

I could only comfort him as best I know how,with the word of the Lord.

I then remember something else,as our days are so is our strength,so I was praying the wrong prayer,the evil worrysome day is upon us,how do we get through it?

as our days are ………..so is our strength.

Ur woman; a helper or hindrance? What do you do when the other half is a Haggar?

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.–Gen 2 v 18

So it is then established that it is not good for man or woman to be alone,but wait a minute now why is it so often that the very half that we can’t live without is often the very half that influences us to do well let’s just say that which we would not do had we stayed in and watched a football game with the boys,or had we golfed it.I of course am speaking from a male point of view which being one isn’t so hard.

Curious then that when I look around me I see most marriages/relationships that your doom/absolve lies in who you end up with.

Now don’t get me wrong here but in his quest for man to find a wife he most often finds a knife.

Notice I said quest meaning the journey to marriage which covers all relationships in general.In my pondering while looking at my own life,friends,colleagues and history itself the biggest downfall of a man has always been a woman! Oh I feel something here.Wars were started, entire cities fell,blood brothers killed eachother,credit scores ruined all because of this beautiful creature called a woman, I need some help here.

As men we should know better but we don’t,check this out;

Eve: influenced Adam to bite the fruit.

Sarah:influenced Abram to have Ishmael and She even laughed at God once.

Jezebel: well had some influence on her husband’s relentless pursuit and killing of prophets.

Job’s wife:told him to curse God and die.

Helen of Troy: Greek mythology so beautiful her abduction brought on the Trojan war.

Cleopatra:her beauty was equally marched with her conquest of strong and powerful men.

Your ex/ current other half:………….

It then occurs to me that a man’s success and happiness is as determined by the woman in his life.Coz look if your woman is willing to overgo a couple of extravagant Christmases so that the business can do well in year 1 then you have been lucky indeed and she will be smiling all the way to the shoe shop later on.
Conversely I have seen a few men whose credit score has been ruined,the business has disappeared,others are working just as hard trying to keep 2 families afloat for once divorced and remarried one has 2 families he just doesn’t get to see the other one much if at all.

It is my conclusion then that a woman is this powerful,beautiful,God laughing,serpent speaking(what was eve thinking anyway talking to a snake?) influential man pulling creature.A kryptonite if you will,which has the ability to bring even super-man to his knees.

This then makes me wonder for when I look at Sarah though she was the ideal one still had her faults but when I look at Haggar she is the one you are attracted to for all the wrong reasons but just can’t seem to help yourself,and this always ends badly (for you the man that is) there is always a price to pay turmoil,emotional pain,financial pain,spiritual and even mental anguish to physical pain at times (or most times lol, depends)

So the question is and still remains ……

……a woman:a helper or a hindrance and what do you do when your other half is a Haggar?

What do you do when God won’t let you die

But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he prayed that he might die, and said, “It is enough! Now, Lord, take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!”– 1 kings 19 v 4

Anyone had a “I’d like to die moment?” I know I have.

Notice Elijah a powerful instrument of God,drained,depressed and broken down in the desert and asking God to let him die.

Upon reflection on the promise of heaven and how glorious it is,my somewhat dingy moment I have come to the conclusion that I want to go to Jesus.This earth is treacherous,evil and cold and I would rather be home.But I realise that for this to happen I must therefore die,in this I know my life is a gift from God hence not my own so then I can’t end it myself,I must seek permission from he who gave me this gift……..oh I feel something here.

I cry to The Lord “father am tired,am wiery, let me come home,this life take it away!,I can’t take anymore”

And he says no,your work hasn’t even begun yet.My my my, Am in trouble here.

What do you do when God won’t you let you die?

See this isn’t just a momentary thing Elijah had done wondrous things and if he wanted to die a strong prophet like him, what more me? Somebody help me here!

What do you do when God won’t let you die?

But wait….

What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?
For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.–psalms 8 v 4-5

This makes me look into my purpose again I must be here for a reason if he didn’t let Elijah die ….and if he didn’t let me die……and if he didn’t let you die ……… Oh ya all don’t hear me.

What do you do when God won’t let you die?

………….but God

But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. -Joseph-

I do not think there is anybody out there who has questioned more about the things that happen in my life and thier significance.If anyone of you have read any of my post you may feel the conflict,the hurt,the confunsion,the crazyness the …….

Last couple of years have been challenging to say the least for me I experienced personal loss in any and possibly every aspect of my life.I lost people dear to me (death etc),finances,career,business,you name it I have lived it.The only thing I haven’t lost yet is my health and my mind though questions may be raised to the latter.

Its funny though I have been reflecting on how exaclty I got to this point in my life.Upon further investigation I realised that it wasn’t so much how? when? who? what? wherefore? … but why?
And then I found the answer to this wonderful question.All this time I just was wondering running around quite the headless chicken.And the answer was right under my nose.
Dont you just love it when it all comes together!!!!

The reason I have had a hard time these years is ………..drum roll………I dont know.
I do not know.

What I know is that throughout all this I have had a but God moment.
Everyone has something in them that will not allow them to give up or give in.No matter what your beliefs are. I know everybody beleives in a higher power of some kind.

I find it funny,remember the last time you hit that little toe on the door? hurt like hell didn’t it? whose name did you call out to? or that time you were stuck in traffic and late for work you went Oh my …..

Anyway whatever your beleifs its not important, I just saw something through my tough times,I had a but God moment.Looking deeper I saw several times/situations when & where things could have gotten worse but they didn’t.These were things out of my control and there was really nothing I could do to change the trajectory,something in me just knew that it was not my doing.
Ever get the feeling you have a guardian angel?

I know another thing I was always afraid,and this fear was only visible to a perhaps only one or two people if that.On the outside everything was ok I was happy,smilling,laughing, but going to bed was a different matter all together.I was constantly afraid of loosing it all.All that which I thought had value and I couldn’t live without.And guess what? It happened.

Murphy’s law is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.-wikipedea-

As a person of faith I beleive that no matter what happens to me I will be okay,…in the end.I just thought it important to take a minute and recognise the omg moment of our lives,am talking about that moment in your life where its all going wrong and you are saying if one more thing goes wrong today …“I dont know what am gonna do”.Then something unexpected positive happens.

No matter what your personal beleifs are I am sure we have all had this moment.
Whether you credit to the Easter bunny,the tooth fairy,Zeus,budha it doesn’t really matter the moment was there regardless.

For me living without fear has allowed me to rebuild my life into that which was better before,and the pun is I can see better results in my efforts now than there ever was last 10 yrs put together.Am I back where I was before?of course not I am heading to a better place. I am in a much better place than before I have a sense of peace I never had before.And that alone was worth the price of admission.I have learnt to value that which matters the most.

I wish I could tell you there is a reason why all this stuff happens, I don’t know that.
I wish I could tell you its an easy time going through transformation I would be lying…it hurts.
I wish I could tell you you wont be confunsed,but you will be,even more so than before its a process.

All I can say is keep going,when you are in a desert keep walking.Nothing lasts forever.No matter what life throws at you,even and especialy the bad negative bits,though they were meant for evil…………………..

……………………………..but God.